


You give me life

by LoenaAdams



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Boyfriends, Domestic Boyfriends, Domestic Fluff, Drugs, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Heart Attacks, Hospitals, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:48:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 40,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24114544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoenaAdams/pseuds/LoenaAdams
Summary: What should have been the night of a new beginning ended a bit too literally.Sander and Robbe go to a party to celebrate the beginning of the summer break but for some reason, things always go wrong.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 57
Kudos: 233





	1. Chapter one

Robbe had finally finished his schoolyear which meant he had his well deserved six-week-long summer break.  
His marks were unacceptably high and Sander couldn't be prouder.  
He was dating a little genius. 

In high school, Sander was never really an expert in scientific subjects. He was better in history, English and of course art. He went to a different kind of high school for a reason. Sander knew from a very young age that he wanted to something with art. Art was his language and its outlet. He could fully express himself through it.

Sander was already finished begin June. He didn't need to take retakes because he had passed al his classes in one go. 

Even though the artist loved his school, he was happy with the summer break. It allowed him to spend more time with his boyfriend especially since they both didn't have any deadlines soon. 

They hadn't any vacations plans. Sander's parents weren't sure yet where they were going, when and of their children would be involved.  
Robbe was invited to go with his dad and his dad's new girlfriend to Spain but he polity declined. At least to his father's face. What he said afterwards was a whole different story. (Something that he would rather die and that he was not to bribable). 

Robbe's mother had recently started to work part-time again and she didn't want to take vacation days already. She told Robbe she might need them some other time.

She felt bad but Robbe had told her that he didn't mind. He would be able to spend more time with his boyfriend. 

They had discussed some options to make some city trips with the train and maybe go back to the beach where they first met, but they still had nothing concrete because Robbe exams started then and he had no time for anything else.

Tonight they were going to a big party thrown by somebody from Robbe's class.  
Sander was very excited. He was ready to get drunk and let all this school stress behind him. He was excited about his freedom and couldn't wait to spend the first summer with the boy of his dream.

They got late to the party because they both fell asleep after a cuddle session, exhausted from everything. 

Finally arriving at the house, the party was already at full swing. Music pounding, flashing light, people dancing closely together and the unmistakable smell of weed.  
It was extremely busy and Sander was sure he recognized some people in the crowd form his school.  
He tried to navigate his boyfriend to the crowd when he had spotted the broers at the other side of the room. 

The boys in front of him were already quite drunk.  
'Boys, you have missed a lot' rambled Aaron with a double tongue.  
'You will never guess what Moyo did!'  
Sander could see that Moyo looked slightly embarrassed which is not something you see very often.

Robbe let go of Sander's hand. 'Tell me please after I get us something to drink. Sander, what do you want?'  
'A beer, please.'

Sander squeezes himself between Jens and the armrest from the sofa.  
'Jezus, it is already busy here.'  
Jens looked up from his glass and gave him a small smile that didn't reach his eyes.  
The older boy gives him a friendly slap.  
'I know you are sad that Jana isn't here but come on. She is not dead and she wouldn't want you to mop around.' 

Jens shrugs. 'I know that I am just wondering what we would be doing if she was here. I just feel guilty every time I look at somebody else.'  
Sander nods. 'Understandable, but I thought you were seeing somebody else?'  
The other boy just shakes his head. 'Everything is just complicated at the moment but it is going to be alright. It helps that there is no school anymore.' 

The artist gives him a small smile and looks around the room seeing his boyfriend struggling through the crowd to make it back to them. Sander pulls him on his lap when finally managed his way over.

'Thanks, cutie' whispers Sanders towards the younger boy when he hands him a cold bottle of beer. 

'This party is already out of hand. I just saw some boys from other schools, they are known for trouble.' 

'It is going to be okay. Don't worry so much.' The artist traces the face of the boy in his lap with his fingertips.  
Slowly stroking away the frowns.  
'We are just going to enjoy our selfs tonight. My parents aren't home tonight so you know what that means.' 

Robbe gives him a shy grin.  
'I love you.'  
'I love you too.'

They stare at each other for a while until they are rudely interrupted by Moyo. 

'Stop eye-fucking each other already. You two are not leaving early tonight as usual. Tonight is all about bonding and shit. We are going to celebrate all together because that is why we are broers right?'

Jens gives him a playful push. 'Don't mind him, he just got rejected quite painfully.'  
'And you will never guess bye who' adds a very excited Aaron.

Moyo let's out a groan. 'Please shut up already. It wasn't a rejected, it was postponed. She is playing hard to get.'

Robbe lets out a laugh. 'Keep telling yourself that but who is playing hard to get?'

Aaron and Jens give each other a meaningful smile. 'The one and only Noor Bauwens.' 

Robbe and Sander both snort at the same time. 'Can you leave my ex alone, please? What happened to bro code man?'

Moyo gives him an annoyed look. 'She doesn't count as your ex and just asked her for a dance nothing more.'  
'O no she doesn't? But what did she say?'

'She laughed at me and walked away.' 

'Poor Moyo, perhaps I should teach you a thing or two about her.'  
Moyo lets out a groan again. 'Fuck off Robbe.'

'She is here with Britt, by the way, so be prepared for a death glare.' Jens warns them.

Sander just shrugs. He doesn't care about Britt anymore and she isn't going to ruin this night. He can feel Robbe shift uneasy in his lap. 'Don't stress about her. She just needs to get over it. It is not our problem anymore.'  
Robbe gives him a small smile and opens his mouth for a reply but he gets rudely interrupted.

'Sander is that you?' A very drunk red-haired girl is standing in front of them. 'Omg, that means you must be Robbe!'

The younger boy gives him a questioning look. 'Yes that is Robbe, Marthe please behave' he lets out with a sign when the girl starts to jump with excitement.  
'You are adorable you know that right? I have heard so much about you, exactly I have seen so much about.' She laughs at her own joke

Robbe just stares at her.

'Marthe, what are you doing?' A tall girl with long purple hair walks her way over. 'Oh hey, Sander.'  
'Lila you will never guess who that is.'  
The sober girl rolls her eyes. 'Tell me.'  
'It is Robbe, Sander's boyfriend!'  
'I would have never been able to guess that. Thank you for telling me that. '  
Marthe doesn't pick up on the sarcasm. 'No problem Lila.' 

'Let's find you a glass of water shall we?' The tall girl gives Sander an apologetic look before she drags the other girl with her. 

Robbe turns his head towards Sander. 'That was Lila and Marthe. I go to school with them.'  
The boy in his lap gives him a cocky smile. 'They knew who I was.'  
'Yes?'  
'That means you talk about me .' Sander rolls his eyes.  
'Robbe, I made my end project about you even my teachers know who you are.'

'Dude you got to introduce us to your friends, especially girls.' Moyo is practically drooling. 

'No way, I have a reputation to uphold.'

They talk for a while. Enjoying their beers, laughing at dumb jokes, making fun of people in the crowd, having a good time. 

They get joined by some girls from Robbe class. Sander met most of them at the beach house but not all of them but he doesn't really care.  
He just stares at his boyfriend who is in a deep discussion with a girl about some test answers. 

Sander loves to see Robbe like this, surrounded by his friends, feeling comfortable, having fun.  
He still can't believe the boy is his lief. 

After an hour or something, Sander starts to get cramp in his leg. He pets softly on his boyfriend's waist. 'I am going to get some more drinks. Do you want something?'  
Robbe just nods. 

'Any wishes?'

'Gin and tonic if they have that.'  
Sander just lets out a laugh. 'I thought you were more a whiskey man?'  
'Taste can change you know?'

The artist kisses the younger boy on his forehead. 'Will be right back.'

It is a real struggle to get to the kitchen but luckily it is a lot less busy there. He takes a deep breath enjoying the free space for a second before he starts to look for the gin and tonic.  
They don't have any cans so Sander just takes a bottle to fills two plastic cups.

He turns around to look if there is any more beer for the other boys but he bumps right into some classmates from high schools.  
They hadn't seen each other in ages so Sander couldn't just walk away.

Sander hadn't closed the chapter high school well. In his last year, he was ill a lot so he had skipped. The school almost didn't let hem graduate but his mentor had fought for him. She had explained his situation to the rector and they hade made an exception. 

But he had lost a lot of friends because of it. Sander had never explained his illness because he barely understood it himself. So they didn't get why the artist didn't reply for days or why he wouldn't show up for months. 

So it was exactly kind of nice to talk to them. It was fun to hear what they were doing. There was no bad blood between them which made Sander happy.  
He still felt a little guilty about everything. 

They exchanged numbers again and they made a deal to catch up soon because they had to leave now. His classmates had to go to another party, they had asked if Sander would join them but he polity declined. 

He didn't feel comfortable to immediately join the group again. Plus he was here with Robbe. 

Sander checked his phone quickly before heading back to the busy living room. He had a text from his mother saying that she had taken an extra shift at the hospital because a colleague was ill. Some chats in groups apps and a few from his boyfriend who was wondering where he was. 

The artist grabbed the two cups and started to make his way back to the sofa. He almost got there with no problem until a girl bumped into him making him spill one of the drinks. On his new shirt.  
Sander lets out a groan. There is no way he going back to that kitchen.  
So he just gives his boyfriend who is chatting to Zoë the untouched cup. 

'Thanks, baby. Took you quite long'

'Yeah I know, bumped into some old classmates and started to talk to them. You know how that goes.'

Robbe drinks his glass in one go.  
'Amai what is that bad.' Sander can see goosebumps all over his body when he shivers. 

'That is because it is cheap shit. The real stuff is way too expensive for a party like this.'

'Oh, are you an expert on that topic. I thought you didn't drink Zoë?'

'And I thought you would consume anything as long you get alcohol in your system?'

Robbe gives her a playful push with his elbow. 

'Where did everybody go?' Sander goes to sit on the almost empty couch.

'Well, Amber and Aaron are over there.' The older boy follows the finger of the girl next to him, pointing towards a couple that is making out in a way that is not very appropriate for the public. 

'And Moyo is talking to some girls from your school.' Robbe shakes his head. 'As if he hadn't embarrassed himself enough and Jens went home, he wasn't feeling well.'

'And where is your loverboy?' Sander looks towards Zoë.

She signs out loud. 'Some trouble with those boys from that another school. I don't know where he went but he promised me he wouldn't do anything stupid.' 

'I believe I saw him walking out of the kitchen, just when I went in' remembers Sander all of a sudden.  
Zoë shrugs. 'I don't care anymore. I am his girlfriend not his mother. He can take care of himself.' 

Sander smiles at her. 

'So are you going to ask me for a dance?'

Sander groans and lets his head fall back. 'You know I don't dance Robbe.'  
But the younger boy is already pouting and how can he say no that?

'Just one dance then. See you later Zoë'  
She waves them goodbye and pulls her phone out her pocket. 

On the dancefloor Sander is quite surprised, Robbe is always kind of hesitate in surroundings where he doesn't know everybody. But not tonight.

Robbe is being very bold.  
He touches all over the older boys body, teasing him, grinding, putting his cold hands underneath the ruined shirt, giving dirty kisses, marking the other boy's neck.

'What has gone into you?' 

'You have.' 

Sander can't believe his eyes. What happened to this shy and innocent baby? 

Sander slowly pushing Robbe against a wall and starts to kiss his neck. The other boy lets his hand roam all over his boyfriend's body until he suddenly can't stand up straight. 

If the older boy hadn't held him up, he would have fallen on to his knees. 

'Wow, what is going?' 

Robbe just rests his head against the wall. 'I don't know. I don't feel well.'

'Want to get some fresh air?' 

The other boy takes a deep breath and nods. Sander throws his arm around the small waist of the brown-haired boy guiding him outside which is quite a task because Robbe's legs do not cooperate at all. 

He tries to set his lover gently on a bench across the house. 'Are you dizzy?'

'Yes.'

'Try to put your head between your legs.' 

'Sander it doesn't feel good. Everything burns.' 

'That is just that cheap alcohol angel, it is all going to be fine. We are going home as soon as you can stand on your legs.'

The artist kneels beside him and starts to stroke the brown curls.  
He tries to stay calm.

'Sander and Robbe everything alright? I saw you two leaving but it didn't look good.'  
Senne walks towards them. 

'I don't know, he says that he doesn't feel well.'

'Can you hear me, Robbe?'

The boy responds with a soft whimper. 

'Probably just stress and no sleep. He doesn't weight much does alcohol probably hits him hard.'

Sander frowns. 'He hasn't had that much alcohol and we took a nap before we came here.'

'I don't know Sander. Maybe you should take him home and let him sleep? He doesn't look good. '

'Can you stay with him? Then I will get my bike.' 

Sander turns around, wondering how the hell he is going to get Robbe home but before he can take a step, he hears a loud boom. 

His boyfriend lays on the ground with his eyes closed.  
'Robbe, Hey Robbe wake up.'  
Senne is already petting his face.

'Boys, what is going on?' Zoe is making her way over from the house. 

'Can you call an ambulance Zoë?'

The blond girl just stares at the boy on the floor. 'An ambulance?'  
Senne lets out a groan. 'Yes, an ambulance urgently!'

Sander just can't move while he listens to Zoë making a phone call. He can't process what is happening.  
'Fuck Senne where are we?'  
'Langestraatmarkt 6' puffs the other boy trying to roll Robbe on his side.  
'Sander help me, please.'

The artist drops slowly to the floor to turn his boyfriend on his side. He can't help but shiver when he feels the lifeless limbs. 

'They are coming. What happened?'  
'Ssst Zoë.'

Senne puts his ear next to the younger boys mouth. 'Can you feel a pulse? I am not sure if he is breathing.'

Sander makes an inhuman sound. This is just a bad dream. This is not happening. 

You can hear the sirens from afar but Sander doesn't register them.  
He just keeps staring at his boyfriend's pale face. He doesn't notice that a few other people are approaching them. 

'Not sure if he is breathing' The sentence keeps playing inside his head. 

Suddenly he pushed aside by a nurse. He gets grounded again by the cold pavement. 

'What did he have?' Another nurse is coming their way.

'Sander dude,' Senne shakes him violently. 'What did he have?'

'Nothing' managed Sander to say, staring at the hands of the female nurse who are pushing on his boyfriend's chest. 

'Son, this is not the time to lie. It can save his life.' 

The female nurse squeezes the nose of the brown-haired boy and blows air into his mouth.

'I am not lying, he just had a beer and a glass of gin.' The older boys stutters.

'Is it possible that his drink got spiked?'

'I don't know, I gave him the drink and-' He gets cut off.

'Call the hospital, heart failure.' 

'We probably also need to pump his stomach. Spiked drink.' 

A third nurse appears with a brand card. They quickly lay the lifeless boy on it and bring him into an ambulance. 

Sander hears a strange sound, a sound he can't place. It sounds almost like a hurt animal. 

He feels two small hands on his face. 'Sander, take a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth.'

The artist tries it but he doesn't succeed. He doesn't know anymore how to breathe. The sound gets louder. 

'Hey look at me.' 

He stares into two brown eyes that remind him of Robbe.  
Immediately he hears the voice of his boyfriend. 'Take it easy Sander, just listen to my heartbeat.' 

Heartbeat.  
There is no heartbeat to listen to. 

Suddenly he feels pain in his face.  
It brings him back to earth. He takes a deep inhale.  
The sound stops. 

'Heart failure' he whispers.  
Heart failure.  
Heart failure!

He feels that someone gently pushes him on the bench.

'Are you a friend of him?' 

An unfamiliar soft voice asks him.

The voice brings him a little comfort. The thick Flemish accent, the tone, volume. It reminds him of his mother. 

'Boyfriend.' 

'I see, can you tell me his name?' 

Sander clears his throat. 'Robbe, Robbe Ijzeremans.'

'And what is yours?' 

Sander.'

'Okay Sander, I need to ask you some questions if that is okay?'

The artist tries to ignore the flashlights from the left ambulance. 

'How old is Robbe?'

'He is sixteen years old.' Someone else gives answers. 

'Does Robbe have any allergies? Or is there something about his health which can be important for us to know? For example, does he take medication?'

Sander shakes his head. 

'Okay thank you, sweetie. One more thing, do you have the phone number of his parents?'

Sander tries to get his phone but he can't keep his hands steady.

The friendly nurse helps him.  
'Can you tell me your password?'  
'2003'  
'Marlieke Ijzermans?'  
Sander gives a small nod  
'Okay, I am going to write that down. Can I do anything for you Sander?'

'It is my fault' he whispers hoarsely and a tear roll down his cheek. 'My fault.'  
The woman next to him holds his hand for a second.  
'Did you put something in his drink?'  
Sander gives her a tearful look.

'Of course not.'

'Then it is not your fault.'

'But I gave him the drink.'  
'You are not responsible for what happened Sander. The douchebag who did is the only one we can hold accountable in situations like this.'

'I should have noticed something but I was to busy chatting.'

'Do you know when it happened?

Sander gives a small shrug. 'He only had one beer and one a cup of gin. And he opened the canned beer when he was with me. So it was the gin. The gin I gave him.' 

He sounded almost hysterical.

'Let's not do this. I am sure Robbe doesn't want you to blame yourself.' 

'Is he de-?'  
He can't ask the question. 

'His heart started beating again on the way to the hospital but I can't tell you anything more. We still need to find out what really happened to his body.'

Sander can't control his tears anymore and starts to sob loudly. 

He feels the small hands from earlier on his shoulder.

'Senne has arranged a taxi to the hospital. Do you want to come with us or do you want us to take you home?'

'To the hospital.'

'I am not sure if that is a good idea. We don't know what is going to happen with Robbe. He might need an operation or something else. That could take the whole night. It is better to go home.'  
The nurse gives them an apologetic smile but Sander shakes his head.

'I want to go to the hospital.'  
The elder woman lets out a sigh. 'Of course, you do. I have to go again. Are you going to be okay?'

'We will take care of him.' Senne gives him a soft clap on his shoulder. 

'Okay then, good luck guys. I hope Robbe is going to be okay.' 

'The taxi will be here in five minutes.' Zoë takes the place of the nurse on the bench and takes his hand.  
'It is all going to be okay. Robbe is strong, he will get past this.'

Sander doesn't respond. He doesn't want to think about how Robbe is fighting for his life right now so he tries to distract himself.  
He can see that a few of Senne's friends are explaining what happened to some girls. He can see Moyo, Aaron and Amber sitting on the sidewalk looking devastated. 

'Taxi is here, let's go.'  
The artist is thankful that is just Zoë, Senne and him. He doesn't want to talk to people and he knows that they will leave him alone. 

It is a short trip to the hospital but it feels like forever. Sander's stomach feels like it is filled with bricks. He can't unsee the image of Robbe lying on an operation table, with a cut in his chest or Robbe hooked on different devices that are trying to keep him alive.  
He feels sick.  
He can already hear the doctors voice. 'I am sorry but Robbe didn't make it. He passed away. '

What was he going to do?

Sander feels the urge to throw up.  
Zoë takes his hand again and gives a small squeeze. 

When they finally arrive, Sander empties his stomach in a bush.  
He feels that someone is patting his back.  
'Here take this.' Senne hands him a bottle of water and a package of chewing gum.  
Sander sends him a thankful look. 

Sander can't remember how to walk anymore as they get closer to the reception. 'You two go sit here then I am going to ask if they know anything already.'  
Senne guides him towards a bench.

He can see Zoë talk to the receptionist and he can't help but bite his nails.  
Robbe could be dead already. What were his last words? Did he tell him that he loved him?  
Sander can feel the panic rushing to his veins.  
'Don't stress already. You don't know anything yet.'

'A doctor will come as soon as they know anything. We can wait in waiting room four.'

There is no clock in waiting room four so Sander has no idea how long they have been here. It feels like hours. Hours were he hasn't said a word. Trying to ignore Zoë and Senne whispers, recalling every moment of the night wondering how it went so wrong. It feels like he is in hell and he can't take it anymore. He needs to know something about his boyfriend. 

'How late is it?'  
Senne checks his phone. '4 am.'  
Sander just nods. 

A doctor walks past them but he doesn't say anything.  
Sander wishes that he could stop thinking. He wants it to stop. He hates that he knows absolutely nothing, he hates that his mind gives hope and at the same times makes the worst scenarios he hates -

'Family or friends of Robbe Ijzermans?'  
A young female with brown hair wrapped in a ponytail walks towards them.  
'Friends yes.'  
She gives them a small smile.

'I am doctor Baker, I have some good news for you and some bad news.  
Robbe had poisoned GHB inside his system. He suffered a cardiac arrest but luckily his heart started beating again quickly. We pumped his stomach out.  
The good news is that he doing well right now. He lays on the intensive care and everything is stable but we don't know how he will wake up. We have already done some brain test and they look positive but we can't be completely sure. We hope he wakes up in a few hours and then we can tell you more. Do you have any questions?'

'Can I see him?' Sander needs to see it for himself. he needs to be sure that his angel is alive. 

'One of you can but I need to warn you. It can be scary and shocking to see a loved one in a situation like this.' 

'I don't care. I want to see him.'  
The woman gives him a small smile.  
'I will lead the way in a minute, but first something else. We can't reach Robbe's mother and since he is a minor we are obligated to inform his parents. Do any of you have the phone number of his dad or another phone number of his mum?'

Sander takes his phone out of his pocket. 'I have another phone number from his mother.'  
'Great, can you please give it to the receptionist then I will bring you to Robbe.' 

Sander has trouble keeping up with the doctor. She walks fast until she suddenly stops.  
'Are you family of Robbe?'  
'I am his boyfriend.'  
She gives him a smile. 'I am going to warn again. It is not to going be nice to look at him.'

'I don't care. I need to see him with my own eyes.  
'Okay then. Please wash your hands and put the mask on.'  
She enters a code in the door and opens it. 

'At the end of the hall, room five. If something is wrong you can push the red button. You can stay there for half an hour at most.' 

Sander nods. His legs feel like they weigh a ton as makes his way through the hall towards room five.  
He stares at the number for a while, trying to build the courage to open the door. 

It is indeed scary. It feels surreal. All the sounds from the monitors, the heavy breathing.  
Robbe lays in a bed that looks way too big for him.  
He's wearing an oxygen mask and is hooked on several devices. 

But Sander can hear the heartbeat from his boyfriend.  
It gives him comfort.  
His boy is still alive.


	2. Chapter two

Sander strokes the arm of his boyfriend. Letting his fingertips wander towards his shoulder, trying to avoid all wires and cords. Softly pushing the hospital gown aside so that the younger boy's collarbone gets exposed.   
He can see a part of the bandage that covers probably all of Robb's chest. 

Sander swallows, it feels all way too real.

His hands continue their way up. Carefully brushing his neck, towards the chin, over the mask, between the relaxed eyebrows and finally over the brown curls. 

He starts to massage his lover's scalp lightly. Robbe loves it when Sander does that. The boy that was laying in arms would go completely soft and sometimes even start to purr.   
The older boy would laugh at him and tell him he was probably a cat in another universe.

Another universe. Sander wondered what happened tonight in the other universes. 

Would there be a universe were Robbe left his boyfriend behind this night? 

Sander shivers, he shouldn't be thinking about that. He should be thankful.  
The older boy feels a small smile creeping up his face. 

Robbe had kept his promise. He had promised not to leave him behind in this universe.

It was still the two of them. 

If even the younger boy would wake up not being the person he was before, Sander would still love him unconditionally because how could he not? 

His boyfriend looked beautiful even though he laid on the intensive care, hooked on several different devices.   
'I love you' it is barely a whisper but it feels good to say. He knows that Robbe probably can't hear but he needs to say it. 

'I love you so much. I promise everything is going to be okay. I am going to take care of you.' 

Sander feels tears in his eyes but he doesn't let them go.   
He needs to be strong for his boyfriend.  
He slowly put down his own mask and bents over to kiss the small boy's forehead.   
His hands search for the small hands that feel cold as always. 

The artist can't help but smile. 'Even now your hands are freezing. I am going to ask if they can check if you even have blood circulating in them.'

A soft knock on the door and Sander knows his time is already over.   
He places a kiss on his boyfriend's heart. 'Please keep beating for me.'  
When he pulls back, he sees hickey on the younger boy's neck. 

Suddenly Sander is struck by a ton of emotions. That mark takes him back to not even a day ago. He remembers the way Robbe squirmed underneath him, arching his back, silently asking for more. Which he got off course because Sander didn't know how to say no to his angel. 

He can't wrap his head around the fact that that was not even sixteen hours ago. It feels like a century. 

'I am sorry but you need to go now. I have given you already ten minutes more.' 

Sander wipes his tears away and tries to get himself together.  
'I will be back soon' he whispers. One last stroke over the brown curls before he stands up. 

'How are you doing?' Doctor Baker looks at him. 

'Better than him, I guess.'   
She gives him a small smile. 'Glad to hear that but take it easy okay? Your friends are still in waiting room four. Can you find the way back yourself or do I need to send someone with you?'

'I will go with him.'

Sander looks up at the familiar voice. His mum is standing in front of him dressed in a white coat. 

'How is he doing Lola?' 

'He is stable but we can't say how he will wake up.'

Sander mother gives a small nod. 'Thank you.'   
'I will let you know if we get any new information, Katharine.' 

'I know he is in good hands.' Doctor Baker gives them a small smile. 

'Let's go Sander.' 

As soon as they are out of the intensive care his mother turns to him. 'Are you okay sweetie?'   
That is all it takes for Sander to start crying again.   
He feels his mother arms wrapping around him.   
'I know sweetheart, I know.' 

His mother takes him to her office and gives him a cup of tea.   
'How did you know?' Sander manages to bring out when he has finally calmed down a little bit. 

'I just finished operating a woman with a collapsed lung when I heard that there had been another emergency operation. A sixteen-year-old boy who had a heart attack and his stomach needed to be pumped. Someone mentioned the name IJzermans.   
Lola told me that the operation was finished and that his boyfriend was visiting him when I asked what the boyfriend looked like she described a boy with a leather jacket and bleached blond hair. Then I knew you were here.   
It was a blessing in disguise that I was already operating. I don't know what I would have done if I say Robbe suddenly in front of me.'

Sander takes a sip of his tea. He sometimes forgets what kind of job his mother does. She is an incredibly brave and strong woman. 

'Do you think he is going to be okay?'  
His mother takes his hand. 'I don't know everything yet Sander. I can't tell you more. I don't even know what happened.'

'Robbe had poisoned GHB inside his system. He suffered a cardiac arrest and they pumped his stomach.' 

His mother stares at him.   
'GHB? That is a hard drug, Sander. Please don't tell me you use that as well.'

Sander shakes his head violently. 'Of course not, my head is already messed up enough and Robbe also doesn't use it.' He adds   
quite indignant. 

'But how did it happen then?'

'His drink got probably spiked. The drink I gave him.'  
He feels that he gets hysterical again. 

'Ow sweetie, you can't think like that.'  
His mother wraps her arms around him again.   
'I am really sorry but I need to go now. My shift ends in forty minutes and then I will take you home. You can stay here if you want or you can go back to your friends.' 

Sander would prefer to stay here but he knows that Senne and Zoë are waiting for him. 'I need to go back to tell them.'  
He feels a hand stroking his head. 'Okay, I will bring you to them.'

Zoë and Senne are softly talking to a woman with a terrified expression.   
As soon as she is Sander she stands up to walk towards him.   
'Is he okay?'   
Sander tries not to look into her eyes because they are so similar to his boyfriends.   
Big brown Bambi eyes filled with tears.   
He tries to speak but the words get stuck in his throat. 

'He is stable. That is what we know for sure.'   
His mother gives Robbe's mother a handshake where she softly squeezes the other woman's hand.  
'I am Katharine, Sander's mother. I wished we could have met under different circumstances.'  
'Marlieke' She looks at the white coat of his mother. 'Did you treat him?' 

'No, my colleague did. Have you been informed about what happened?' 

Marlieke nods and a tear rolls down her cheek. 'My poor boy.' 

Sander's mother lays a hand on her shoulder. 'We can you tell you more as soon as wakes up. We don't know when that will happen. Do you want us to call somebody?' 

'His father doesn't know anything yet.' 

'Do you have his phone number? We will call him for you.'

Robbe's mother searches in her bag. Her hands are trembling.

'I think I forgot my phone at home. I don't know his number. I am sorry.' 

'That is okay. Can we have his full name and his date of birth? Maybe we have his data in our computer.'

'Dave Ijzermans and he was born on the second of February in 1977.'

His mother gives a warm smile.  
'Thank you miss Ijzermans. Can we do anything else for you?'

'Please say Marlieke, I am not really IJzermans anymore. And I think I will just wait here until he wakes up.'

'I don't think that is a good idea, to be honest. I can ask if you can see him but after that, I would go home because it can take quite long for him to wake up. Maybe it is better to go somebody with who you can talk, a family member perhaps? The hospital will call you immediately when there is any news. '

Marlieke nods slowly. 'But I can see him first?'   
'I will bring you to him. Sander, will you wait here? I will come and pick you up after I checked up on my patients.'

Sander sits down next to Zoë and Senne. Both of them look tired.   
'You can go home if you want. My mother will be done soon.' 

Senne gives him a small slap on his knee. 'We will wait until then. Can we do anything for you?'

Sander shakes his head. 

'How was he?' A small voice asks. He looks towards Zoë whose eyes are a little bit puffy and red. 

'He looked peaceful for how far that was possible. It was kind of scary but his heart was beating steady again.'

Zoë sighs with relief. 'I just can't believe it.'   
Senne puts his arms around her. 'It is going to be okay.'  
Suddenly Zoë phone rings.   
'Fuck, that is probably Milan who wants to know where we are.'

She looks at Senne for a second. 'What do I tell him?'

'The truth of course.'   
'He is going to freak out.'  
'Yes, but you can't just hide this from him.'  
Zoë takes a deep breath before she walks away to answer her phone. 

Sander just realizes something.   
'What about the others?'  
Senne gives him a confused look. 'What others?'  
'Aaron, Moyo, everyone who saw it happen and Jens is his best friend.'  
'What about them?'

'We need to tell them.'   
'I believe Zoë already texted Amber who has probably informed Aaron so I think they already know.'

Sander is thankful that he doesn't have to do that anymore. He wouldn't know where to start. 

'Milan is going to pick us up in half an hour.'  
'I didn't know he had a car?'   
'He doesn't but his boyfriend has.'  
'I didn't know he had a boyfriend.'

Zoë shugs. 'Milan called him his boyfriend but I don't know what he means by that. Can be a one night stand or something.'

They sit in silence for a while. Sander stares out of the window. The sun is colouring the sky orange.   
He wishes that he had his sketchbook. Then he could draw what he was feeling. It would probably ground him and help him to give everything a place.   
Sometimes Sander had the feeling that he was addicted to art.   
He needed it to function.   
It would calm the sounds in his head down.   
Art was something he could lose himself in.   
It was his anchor. 

Especially before Robbe.   
Robbe had the same effect as art. His presence would calm Sander down.   
The older boy knew he could be himself around the other boy. He didn't need to put on a mask. He could express himself without being judged. 

Robbe was like art.  
Literally and figuratively.

Sander still didn't understand what he had down to deserve him and was terrified to lose him.   
His therapist told him that he shouldn't think like that.  
When Sander had shared his thoughts about wanting something forever meant he had to lose it, his therapist had tried to enlighten him on a different theory. 

'Sander you can't keep asking yourself 'what if'. You need to live more at the moment and I know that is difficult but if you keep worrying about something that might happen, you only can suffer twice because you think that you are preparing yourself for the worst but in reality, you are making yourself crazy.   
You put your mind and body under unnecessary stress. 

You can have things forever without losing them and sometimes you can't and that is okay because you learn how to deal with it.   
What you are doing right now is making yourself scared which leads to you losing things on purpose.   
Things you shouldn't have lost and what will make you wonder 'what if' because it ended abruptly.   
You need to understand that there is a difference between being in charge of your own life and begin in charge of the universe. '

'Living minute by minute.'

'Exactly, there is no benefit in thinking out every single possibility of things that might happen because there will always be something unexpected.'

Sander believed him now because he had never thought about the fact that is boyfriend could have a heart attack at the age of sixteen.   
And even if he did, there was no way he was ever going to be prepared for seeing a lifeless Robbe laying on the ground.

'Sander, are you ready to go?'  
His mother stands in front of him.   
'Can't I just stay here?'  
Katharine shakes her head.   
'You know the answer to that. We are going home and try to sleep for a bit after and we will come back after there is some news.'

Sander knew it was a pointless discussion so he stands up.   
'Good luck man, let us know as soon as you hear anything.' Senne looks at him. 'You can always call us. You know that right?'

The artist slowly nods. 'Thank you. For everything.' 

Zoë gives him a small smile. 'No problem, please try to get some sleep. Robbe wouldn't want you to exhaust yourself.' 

No, he wouldn't want that. He would want that Sander took care of himself. 

His mother drove them home in silent until Sander's phone lets out an annoying noise. His reminder to take his medication. 'Fuck, my bag is still at Robbe's house' he suddenly realizes.  
'We are almost home. You just have to take it out of the cabinet. We will pick up your back later today.'   
When Sanders turns his alarm off, he sees that he has tons of messages and missed phones call. He doesn't feel like opening them. Not now. 

His father is eating breakfast when they finally get home.   
He looks confused to see his son but Sander can't explain it.   
He has trouble keeping his eyes open so he just walks upstairs towards his room. 

He takes off his shoes and clothes and falls on his bed. Exhausted. 

He just wants to sleep now. Forget everything and hopefully dreaming about his beautiful boyfriend. 

Sander doesn't sleep well.  
His dreams are filled with ambulances, doctors, and horror images of failed operations.   
'We couldn't save him but we have his heart here for you.' A creepy looking nurse handing him a heart where the blood drips of. Robbe with a huge gap in chest laying on an operation table. 

He wakes up bathing in his own sweat.   
When he checks the time he founds out that he has only slept for four hours but he doesn't want to try again.   
He checks his phone to distract himself.   
He can still hear the laugh of that creepy nurse and he shivers. 

Sander lets out a sigh when he sees that he has 663 unread messages.   
He has even message from Marthe and Lila.   
He doesn't want to respond to all of them. He doesn't even want to read all of them.   
He decides that he is going start with the ones of people who exactly know Robbe personally, starting with the broers groups app. 

Senne was right. Aaron already knows everything through Amber. Thank god. He quickly scrolls to the bottom of the chat. There were no questions directed to Sander so he was going to leave it like that.   
It takes him almost half an hour but he is finally finished. 

Sander feels sick.   
He feels a pain in his chest. All those messages took him directly back to last night. Reliving the hell.   
He can feel his hands shake.  
the image of Robbe laying on the pavement won't leave him alone.   
So he does the only the thing that helps.  
He draws it. 

He hears a soft knock on his door.   
'Yeah?'   
'I came to bring you some food. Have you slept?'   
His mother is standing in front of him.   
He shrugs. 'A little bit.'  
Her eyes look at the mess in his room. There are paint stains everywhere.

'Did you make that today?'

She walks towards the canvas where her son stands.   
'He looks like an angel.'   
It was a portrait of Robbe in his hospital bed.  
'It is beautiful' she whispers.

His mother turns around. 'You are so talented. You know that right?'

Sander just stands there. 'Not as beautiful as the real thing.'  
He can see tears in his mother's eyes.   
'Oh, sweetie.' She starts to embrace him. 

'Why don't you take a shower and eat something? The hospital visiting hours start in an hour if you want to go?'

The artist just nods.   
He feels a little bit better. The knot in his throat has narrowed.   
Painting his boyfriend gave him the comfort he desperately needed. Like always. 

It was incredible how Robbe could help him without even being conscious. 

'Have you heard anything yet?'  
Sander and his mother are back in the car.   
'He responds sometimes but he is still sleeping and they have taken off his oxygen mask because he can breathe on his own.'   
'What does that mean?'  
'That his body is working hard to wake up. It is a good sign.'

Sander sees his phone that lay on his lap light up.   
A text from Robbe's mother. 

'Sander, I just went home to pick up my phone. Robbe is still sleeping. I am going to my sister's house now to sleep. Can you please call this phone number if you hear anything?' - 

The artist sends a quick reply.   
Of course, take some rest, please.'-   
He knows how easily stressed Robbe's mum can get. He has seen it happen before. Sander is glad that she is going to her sister's house where she probably will get some support and comfort. 

'Do you want me to go with you?'   
Sander shakes his head. He wants to be alone with Robbe.   
'I am going to do some grocery shopping. If you need anything don't be afraid to call me!'

The route towards Robbe's room seems so much shorter than last night.   
Sander feels nervous.   
He still can see the image of Robbe with a gaping hole in his chest.  
It takes a lot of effort to keep walking.   
He grabs his green bag filled with his sketchbook and pencils firm. 

He had brought it with him so that he always had an escape plan. 

An older nurse opens the door for him. She sends him a friendly smile and warns him again that is still not nice to look at.   
But Sander still doesn't care. He wants to be with his boyfriend. 

Robbe looks the same except the fact that his mask is gone.  
He still has two small tubes through his nostrils.   
His lips are slightly parted. 

Sander lets his fingertips gliding against the lips of his lover.   
He can't help it. He needs to kiss him.   
He slowly benches forward placing his hands next to his boyfriends head and puts his lips as soft as he can against the lips from the other boy. 

It is not even a peck but Sander gets emotional.   
'The things you do to me' he laughs through his tears.   
He benches over again and gives him another a small kiss.  
And another on his nose, his eyes, chin, eyebrows, cheekbones, forehead. 

The older boy leaves a trail on soft kisses and tears on his boyfriend's face. 

When his back is starting to hurt, he stands up straight again and wipes away his tears.   
He wants to stroke his boyfriend's hair but he gets shocked to his core for a second because two big brown eyes are staring towards him. 

'Robbe, liefje can you hear me?'  
Sander is shaking over his entire body. He feels extremely relieved but a the same time absolutely terrified.   
The younger boy opens his mouth slightly but there comes no sound out of his mouth.   
'You scared me so much.' Sander can't control his tears. 

Robbe tries to say something again but there is still no sound.

'Take your time, it is all going to be okay.' 

Suddenly tears are rolling down Robbe's cheeks as well.   
Sander wipes them softly away and gives him another soft kiss. 

'Water?'  
His boyfriend's voice sounds husky and Sander almost didn't hear him over the sound of the machines. 

The artist looks around for a glass of water but he doesn't find anything.   
He realises that he probably should call someone.   
He pushes the red button.   
Not even ten seconds later a nurse appears. 

'What is going on?'

'He is awake' Sander manages to bring out. 

The face of the elderly nurse change immediately. 'Okay, I am going to get a doctor. '

'Wait, he asked for water. Can I give him that?'

'I am sorry. I don't know that yet.' And just like that, she is gone. 

Sander takes his boyfriend's hand and places kisses all over it. 

'Water?'   
His boyfriend's voice sounds slightly stronger now.   
'I don't know if you are allowed to have that love. You need to wait, a doctor will be here soon. I am sorry.'

Robbe just stares at him until he tries to lift his arm to reach out towards Sander.   
The older boy laces their fingers together.   
'I love you so much.'   
He can see how the brown-hair boy is struggling to say something.   
'Shss, you don't have to say anything. I know you love me as well.'   
He gets a small smile back. 

A knock at the door makes Sander look away from his boyfriend.   
A middle-aged man is standing in the doorway.   
'Robbe IJzermans is awake?'

Sander nods and tries to control his tears. 

'Can you please stand on the other side of the bed for me young men?'

The artist kisses his boyfriend's hand before he stands up. 

Another nurse enters the room, handing the doctor some gloves and other equipment. 

'Hello Robbe, my name is Leo Verhagen. Do you have any idea what has happened? You only have to nod or shake your head.'

The younger boy shakes his head softly. 

'Okay, that doesn't matter. You are in the hospital because you got an overdose of poisoned GHB inside your body.'

Robbe looks confused at Sander who gives him a small squeeze in his hand.

Do you recognise this boy next to you?'

The doctor point towards Sander.   
'Sander.'   
The artist bites his lips. He has never felt so happy and relieved in his life. 

'Very good Robbe. I am going to do some tests okay? Sander I am going to ask you to stand back.' 

The older boy shuffles backwards, letting go of his lover's hands. 

'Nola, can you pass me the stethoscope please?'  
The doctor places the instrument on Robbe's chest. 'Can you try to inhale deeply for me?' 

The boy in the bed is clearly struggling. 'Take it easy, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Yes like that.'   
'His temperature is 37,2 degrees and he needs some more water.' The nurse states. 

'He asked for water but I didn't know if he could have it.' 

The man writes some things down. 'He can have a little bit of water. One glass maximum. Nola, can you take care of that in a few minutes?'  
The girl nods. 

'Okay Robbe, good news. Your lungs sound good and so is your temperature. I understand that you are quite confused but that is partly the medication. Are you in any pain?'

'My throat.' 

'That is because we needed to pump your stomach. It will stay quite sore for a while but if it gets too much to handle you can always tell us. In a few hours, I will come back to see how you are doing. Alright?'

Robbe nods.   
'Okay, then I am leaving right now. Nola, are you going to be alright?' 

'Can he have some food later?'  
'We need to know how he is going to respond to the glass of water but if it goes well. He can eat.'  
'Thanks, Leo.'

The doctor gives a smile. 'See you later Robbe, Sander you can stay with him if you want for now.'

'I am going to get a glass of water. Do you want something as well Sander?'  
Nola looks at him.  
'Coffee without anything in it please.'

'I will be right back.'

Sander starts to stroke the brown curls again. 'It is all going to be fine again angel.'

Robbe gives him a small grin. 

'Do you want to give him the water?'  
Nola is back with a tray.   
'Can I do that?'  
She laughs. 'It is not that difficult. I have put a straw into the glass. You just have to help him up a little. Here.'

She puts the glass into Sander's right hand and guides his left hand towards his boyfriend.   
'Slowly lift his head so that he can swallow.'

Sander licks his lips nervously. He doesn't want to hurt the younger boy.   
He softly lifts the brown curls and places with his other hand the straw between his boyfriend's lips.   
Robbe drinks slowly. You can see it takes him a lot of effort.   
When the glass is half empty his stops.   
The older boy puts his head gently down. 

'I need to check on other patients. If something is wrong or you have a question just press the button.'

Sander nods. 'Thank you.'  
Nola smiles at him. 'No problem.' 

The artist looks into his boyfriend's eyes. Everything feels so strange but those brown eyes are as gorgeous as always. They help Sander to feel grounded.   
'I love you, Robbe.'  
'I love you too.'   
The younger boy says with great difficulty. Tears start to stream down the other boy cheeks again. He is an emotional wreck. 

'Sander.'  
The older boy squeezes his hand again.   
'I am here angel.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you notice any spelling or grammar mistake!   
> Thank you for all the kudos and lovely comments!  
> It means much to me!


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter is a bit random. It also reminds of Twilight for some reason.

It reminded him of being underwater.   
The muted silence.  
The darkness and the feeling of no gravity  
The need for oxygen as soon as you are hit the surface again.   
Except he couldn't hit the surface. 

He felt unbearable pain in his chest and again, and again.   
His skin was on fire.  
His entire body was shaking.  
'Please stop' he begged silently when he felt the heat on his chest again.  
'Make it stop.'   
His plea was being ignored  
Electric waves flowed through his body. 

Then there was absolutely nothing.   
It felt like he was falling.   
Robbe didn't understand what was happening. Was he dead? 

Suddenly he couldn't breathe.   
Something was put inside his throat.   
Robbe tried to fight but he couldn't move his hands.   
He felt terrified. He could feel his body make spastic movements.

'I am sorry sweetie. Try to stay still, it will be over soon.'   
Robbe didn't recognize that voice.   
'It will be over soon.'  
What will be over? And how soon?  
He wasn't ready to die.   
He wasn't done on earth.   
He needed to do something. 

'Try to think about something nice.'  
Again that unfamiliar voice. 

Robbe couldn't concentrate.   
He was being choked for god's sake, how could he think about something nice?'  
Everything was hurting.   
It felt like his stomach was getting sucked from his body.   
He tried to open his eyes but he didn't succeed. They were glued together through tears. 

'It is done, we need to stitch him now otherwise the bandage will get stuck to the wound. ' A heavy voice echoed through his head. 

Suddenly there was an irregular beep.

'He really needs to be sedated again. He feels everything.'

Sedated? No, he needed to know what was going on! What were they going to stitch? What wounds? And could somebody get that tube out of his throat?'

Robbe fight to open his eyes. It was painful but it was his only hope.  
When he finally succeeded, he stared right in two bright green eyes, covered with protection glasses.  
They looked familiar. 

Sander, that eyes reminded him of Sander. 

'Try to think about something nice. It will be over soon' The voice repeated. The voice didn't match the eyes.

The woman above him started to turn. The ceiling was coming down.   
Darkness came out of nowhere.   
Sander was something nice to think about.   
Thinking about his boyfriend would be a nice last thought.   
He tried to recall his lover.   
Bleached hair, black boots, green eyes, a smirk on his face, sketchbook in his hand.   
'Are you going to leave me behind?'  
His voice sounded like he was in pain.

Robbe didn't need to think of an answer.  
'No, not in this universe at least.'

He had promised Sander. He needed to keep going.  
He tried to fight the darkness but it had already consumed him. 

He was at the beach.   
His bare feet were covered in sand.   
He could hear the raging waves.   
He could taste the salty air on his lips. 

It was a beautiful beach. It reminded him of the beach were he met Sander but this one was cleaner and the sea was more ferocious. 

He felt the urge to get into the sea.   
Something told him that it would make the pain go away.   
The pain in his chest. 

Robbe walked slowly towards the sea. It was peaceful feeling his feet in the water.   
He never had felt calmer.   
He stood there for a while. Doubting if he should go into the sea. 

Suddenly a girl was standing in front of him. He recognized her vaguely. She had freckles, brown hair and blue eyes. She was probably around the age of thirteen.   
'Come with me.'  
Something felt wrong. Perhaps it was the way she was floating.   
Robbe shook his head. 'I am going to stay here.' 

She nodded. 'Okay.'  
She puts a knife in his chest.  
The boy couldn't register what happened. It felt so bizarre.   
'Then you won't need this anymore.'  
She grabbed his heart out of his chest. 

The boy with the brown curls gasped for air, stumbling backwards. He looked down to see a huge gap in his chest. His fingers were covered in blood. He tried to scream but there was no sound.   
He felt backwards, through the sand. 

It was completely dark and ice cold  
He was laying down on something soft.  
A fingertip was tracing his skin.   
The fingertips made their way to Robbe's head. They started to make little circles on his scalp.   
He felt like he could breathe again.   
A warm hand took his.   
He heard a voice but he couldn't understand what it was saying.   
It was too far away. 

Suddenly the hands were gone and Robbe wanted to scream.  
He didn't want to be alone. He didn't know where he was and it was scary.   
He felt a soft kiss against his chest.

'Please keep beating for me.' 

Robbe knew that voice but he couldn't place it. The brown-haired boy wanted to assure the voice. 'It is going to beat. I will make sure of it.'   
But he couldn't move his lips. 

It became quiet again. 

Until he heard a woman crying.   
Panic rushed through his veins.   
He needed the woman to stop.   
Robbe tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy.   
He wanted to tell the woman that everything was going to be okay. She didn't need to worry about him.   
But he couldn't.   
\---------------

It felt like he had been run over with a truck.   
He was back in his body. He could feel his solid limbs and every time he inhaled a sharp pain went through his throat.   
His mouth was incredibly dry. 

He felt tears on his face but he wasn't sure if it were his own.   
He felt little kisses all over his face.   
Little whispers in his ear.   
Robbe felt hopeful.   
He knew that he was going to be okay.   
He tried to open his eyes again but it didn't work.   
He tried again. 

It was bright in the room, way too bright.   
He blinked a few times to see clearly.   
He felt soft hair on his cheek.  
He recognized the smell.   
It was his boyfriend. 

Robbe didn't understand what was going on but it didn't matter. Sander was here so it was going to be okay.   
They make eye contact.

He sees two green eyes filled with tears. They stare at him. 

'Robbe, liefje can you hear me?' a trembling voice asked him. 

The younger boy tries to respond but he doesn't know how to make a sound.   
His boyfriend starts to cry and Robbe is getting frustrated. He wants to comfort the other boy but his body doesn't work with him. 

The older boy keeps whispering things to him.   
Robbe tries to understand everything but he can't.   
He needs water. 

He gathers every single bit of energy in his body. 'Water?'  
He barely recognises his own voice. 

A lot of things happen but Robbe can't keep up. It goes way too fast.   
'I love you so much.' A strong hand is stroking his hair.   
He feels panic coming up, he needs to let to other boy know that he loves him as well. 

'Shss, you don't have to say anything. I know you love me as well.' 

Robbe feels slightly relieved again. 

Suddenly Sander is standing up and the younger boy wants to scream. He can't leave him but his boyfriend is just standing on the other side of the bed.   
An unknown man takes his place. 

'Hello Robbe, my name is Leo Verhagen. Do you have any idea what has happened? You only have to nod or shake your head.'

What happened? He doesn't even know where he is.   
He tries to remember but the only thing that comes to his mind is Sander picking him up from school.  
He softly shakes his head. 

'Okay, that doesn't matter. You are in the hospital because you got an overdose of poisoned GHB inside your body.'

GHB.   
How the hell did that happen? He feels again panic coming up.   
He stares at Sander hoping he will explain but he softly squeezes his hand. 

Robbe feels exhausted. He knows that he is doing the bare minimum but it takes him to much effort.   
He can't keep up with everything that Leo tells him. 

'Are you in any pain?' 

'Throat.'

He doesn't really understand the man is saying. Something about pumping his stomach but he just nods. He wants to be alone with Sander again. 

Suddenly he feels a hand holding his head up. A soft finger puts a straw between his lips and he understands that he finally can have some water.   
It is difficult to drink but it feels good. The cold water in his mouth wetting his tongue and easing the pain in his throat. 

His head gets placed again on his pillow and two eyes stare at him.  
He loves those fierce eyes.   
They always tell a story.   
He knows that is going to be okay.   
\---------------

The next time Robbe comes to the surface he feels slightly stronger.   
He can see the sun shining through the window.   
It is kind of cold in the room and there is a lot of noise.   
Something is itching around his nose.   
He lifts his hand up to scratch only to see a needle inside his pulse which makes him shiver.  
Robbe isn't scared of needles but it is not a nice image. 

He observes the room in which he is lying.  
It is a small but bright room. It is filled with devices. Robbe recognises a few from his biology practicum.   
On the table next to him are standing some flowers and there is a drawing.   
Robbe slowly reaches out to grab it. His muscles are quite sore kinda like a muscle strain.   
It is his face on the paper. He is sleeping.   
The sketch is beautiful and made by Sander. He can tell that for sure.   
The brown-haired boy turns around the paper.   
'I will be back soon, I love you' is written on the back. 

A small smile appears on his face and he closes his eyes again.   
It is all going to be fine.   
\---------------

When Robbe wakes up again, he is in a different room.   
This room is smaller and it is more silent. The only sound is coming from a pencil sketch on a paper.   
The younger boy sees his boyfriend next to him.   
He is sitting at a small table completely lost in his drawing.

He looks so beautiful. The sun is highlighting his golden skin, his strong hands that are holding the pencil so gently, his soft hair. 

Robbe could start crying. He is happy he sees his boyfriend.   
he feels relieved and he hopes that the confusing hell is over. 

'Sander.' His voice sounds husky and his throat his dry but it doesn't hurt to talk anymore.  
The older boy looks up and gives him a big smile, showing his perfectly placed white teeth. 

'Hey sleepyhead, finally awake?'

The artist stands up and makes his way over to the bed.   
'Do you want some water?'  
Robbe slowly nods.   
'Here.' The other boy helps him to drink.   
'Better?'

'Yes, what is going on?'  
Sander's hands start to massage his boyfriend's head.   
'What do you remember?' 

Robbe closes his eyes for a second, enjoying the head massage.   
'Something about an overdose and pumping my stomach but I don't know how it happened.'

The artist gives him a small kiss on his forehead.   
'We were at a party and your drink got spiked with GHB. We were having a great time on the dance floor until you couldn't stand up straight anymore. Zoë called an ambulance and they just got in time. Your heart had stopped beating.' 

Robbe is speechless for a second. 'Wow.' 

'You scared the hell out of everyone.'

'How late is it?'

'3 pm. I just got here.'

'Which day is it?'

'Monday, you just got off the intensive care. Your mother is eating something downstairs by the way. I can call her if you want?'

Robbe's shakes his head. 'Let her eat, I still have some questions for you.'  
The older gives him a smirk. 'Oh, no.'

'I need some more information about everything that happened. '

'Friday night you came here with an ambulance. they had used those electric things you always see in movies to make your heart start beating again. Luckily it worked but you are probably going to have some scars on your chest.'

Robbe follows Sander's hand that is tracing over the bandages on his thorax. 

'They needed to get the GHB out of your system because it was poised and it was too much too handle for your body, so they pumped your stomach. After that, we needed you to wake up by yourself to if there would be any permanent damage.  
You woke up Saturday in the afternoon. You were very confused which was understandable, they had drugged you up completely with painkillers but apart from that you were okay.'

'I remember that. You were there right?'

Sander nods. 'Since then you have been sleeping, sometimes waking up for a short time. This morning they took you off the intensive care because you are doing so well.' 

Robbe lets out a deep sigh.   
The older boy takes his boyfriend's hand. 

'I have never been more scared in my life. You are not allowed to do anything like that ever again okay? My heart won't be able to take it.'

Sander looks tired. He has purple bags underneath his eyes. 

'Can you come a little closer?'

His boyfriend sits on the edge of the bed. 

'Closer?'

Sander lets out a snort and takes his shoes off. He places himself carefully next to the younger boy. 

'This close enough?'

Robbe snuggles towards him. 'Never close enough.'   
He sighs with satisfaction when his boyfriend wraps his arms around him. 

'I feel like shit.' 

'Really? I can't see why that is. It not like your heart has stopped beating or anything.'

'Sanderrr.'

He feels a kiss against his ear.   
'I missed you.' 

Robbe smiles at him.   
'Do you know what is going to happen next?' 

'You have to stay in the hospital for a week at least until Friday and after that, you will probably have to rehabilitate. 

'Rehabilitate?'

'Apparently, your whole fitness is fucked and you have to learn to exercise again and things like that. It is going to take some time to be yourself again.'

Robbe lets out a groan. 'Great, the summer I was expecting.'

Sander kisses him on his nose. 'It could be a lot worse angel, you almost died, remember? And be happy that you don't have school. You would probably need to repeat a whole year even though you are smart as fuck and there is one more thing if we are being optimistic.'

'Tell me.'   
The older boy starts to smirk.  
'I can be a very good nurse you know. I am already looking forward to treating my patient with great care.' He gives a suggestive wiggle with his eyebrow

Robbe feels a blush creeping up his cheeks.   
'Please don't say stuff like that.' 

'How I have missed those red cheeks.'  
Sander let his fingers trace over his boyfriend's face.  
'Can I kiss you cutie?' 

Robbe stares at his boyfriend who is licking his lips.   
He nods softly. 

The younger boy can't handle it. Sander is being so incredibly tender.   
His big hands are stroking his cheeks and slightly holding his head up.   
He gets closer to his face at a very slow pace.  
Robbe takes a small inhale before his lips touch the other boy's lips.   
He could burst out in tears because it feels so good. 

Sander's lips are moving slowly against his. It is an innocent kiss, just lips touching, softly sucking until Sander licks his boyfriend upper lip. Robbe opens his mouth to let the other boy in. Their tongues slowly turning circles around each other.   
Everything is so gentle that Robbe could die. 

Suddenly the room is filled with some loud irregular beeps. 

The older boy pulls back.   
Robbe starts to notice that he is breathing heavily.   
'Jezus, you sound like you have an asthma attack.'

The brown-haired boy gives his boyfriend an annoyed look.   
'Well-' 

A soft knock on the door interrupts them.   
A young female nurse walks through the door, shaking her head when she sees Sander laying the bed.   
'Sander, I told you that he should take it easy.'

'I am not doing anything?' 

The woman points towards a screen. 'Maybe not now but you have certainly done something to whine him up.' 

Robbe feels his cheeks heating up.   
Oh, that beep was his heartbeat. He can see that Sander also draws that conclusion by the smirk appearing on his face.

'Good afternoon Robbe, good to see you awake again. My name is Nola, I am one of the nurses who is taking care of you. I assume that Sander told you everything that happened?'

Robbe nods.   
'First of all, are you in any pain?'  
He shakes his head.  
'Are you sure? Because I need you to be honest with me otherwise we can't help you.' 

'My head kind of hurts.'

'Okay sweetie, Sander can you please get out of that bed so I can do my job.'  
The older boy lets out a deep sigh before he sits up straight and gets off the bed.  
'I am going to check your temperature and some other stuff. After that, I am going to do some tests. If you have any questions you can just ask me.' 

Robbe doesn't like it. He hates it when other people are touching him.   
He knows that she is doing her job so he tries to cooperate but it is awful.

'Okay, everything is looking good except that you need some more water in your system. I need you to try and drink the entire glass in two hours. Do you think that you can do that?' 

'Yeah, I think so.'  
She smiles at him. 

'You will get three meals every day. In the morning you get a piece of paper with your options. I believe your mother has filled it in for you already. You can always ask for water or other drinks. You must drink enough!  
Because you are in the children's ward, someone can stay during the day and also during the night. Please let us know because then we will make sure that there is a stretcher.   
There are three people allowed to visit you at the same time. You can push the buttons on the remote control if you need something. This can be absolutely anything. If you are not feeling, when you are cold or if you someone to talk to. By an emergency, you need to push the red button above you. It that all clear?'

Robbe nods, trying to process all the information. 

'Okay, I think that doctor Baker is coming to see you around five pm. She can tell you more about the continuing of your recovery.'

'Okay, thank you.'

'Don't be afraid to use the button if there is anything wrong! I need to check some other patient if you don't have any questions.'

'No, everything is clear.' He gives her a small smile which she returns. 'See you later Robbe and Sander you need to behave!'

Sander lets out a laugh. 

'You already know her pretty well.'

It sounds jealous for some stupid reason.

Sander starts to stroke his curls, giving him a soft look.

'I have spent here quite so time already. It could get a little bit lonely sometime. You didn't really talk back or anything. Every half an hour a nurse came to check on you. Nola always talked to me which was quite nice.' 

'I am sorry.'

'Don't be sorry, you silly man.'   
Sander gives him a quick peck on his lips. 'Since we are not allowed to make out, is there something else you want to do?'

'I want to brush my teeth.'

'Excellent plan.'

Robbe gives Sander a look.   
'You heard Nola, you have to be nice to me.' 

'Oh, come on you love it when I tease you. Shall I brush your teeth or do you want to it yourself?'

'I want to do it myself.' Robbe attempts to get out of the bed but Sander pushes him back.  
'Ho ho young men. You are not allowed to leave the bed.'  
'Why not?'  
'Because you have a catheter.'   
'A what?'  
'I don't know exactly. Something to do that you don't have to leave your bed to go to the toilet.' 

Robbe feels that his cheek turns red for the third time. 

Sander ruffles his hair. 'No need to be embarrassed, cutie.'

'Can you give me a toothbrush?' 

The older boy looks through a familiar bag.  
'Your mother has brought some stuff of you with her yesterday.'   
'How is she?'

Robbe wasn't sure if wanted to know the answer. He knew that is his mother was stressed easily. She had been doing well the past months but she still had her break downs.

'She has been staying at your aunt's house. She has been quite emotional but I think that is normal. She doesn't say much, usually, she is just holding your hand.'

Sander hands him a toothbrush with toothpaste.  
'Do you want to sit up straight? I believe that you need to push these buttons for that.'

'But no extreme stuff?'

His boyfriend shakes his head. 'What about you?'  
The older boy smiles at him. 'Stop worrying so much. Everyone is worried about you but we will manage as long as you are getting better.'

Robbe pushes the small buttons so that he sits straight up. 'That feels good.'   
'I believe you immediately. You have been lying down for almost three whole days.' 

The brown-haired boy tries to bring his hand through his mouth. It hurts.   
'Fuck man.'   
'What?'  
'Nothing just hurts a little bit.' 

'Oh no, we are so not going to do that.'

'What?'  
'You pretending to be fine because you don't want to bother anybody. You are going to ask for help when you need it. Nola said it herself. We can't help you if you don't say anything.'

Sander takes the toothbrush out of his hand and the lifts the chin of the younger boy so that they make eye contact.  
'Please let me help you.' 

Robbe lets out a sigh. He can't do anything against the puppy eyes.  
'Okay.'

'We are going to practise.'  
His boyfriend is back with teasing.   
'Sander no.'  
'Something wrong Robin? Can I help you?'  
Robbe lets out a groan.   
'Please stop.' 

'No Robbe, you need say yes.'   
The artist is staring at him. 'Well?'  
'Please don't make me do this.'  
'I will kiss you if you say it.' 

'For god's sake. Sander, can you help me brush my teeth?'

'Of course cutie. Now open that mouth widely please' 

Robbe looks down. He can't help but feel a little embarrassed. 

Sander gives his hand small squeeze. 'I am only joking Robbe but please ask for help when you need it. I know you and you are going to try to do everything alone but that is not going to work. Let me be there for you as you are always there for me.' 

'Okay.'

'Okay.'  
They smile at each other.

Turns out Sander is not capable of brushing someone's else teeth.  
Robbe has toothpaste all over his face and both boys are crying because they are laughing so much.   
'Please stop, laughing hurts.'   
'How is this so difficult? I can to it perfectly on myself?'

'It is looking cosy over here.' 

Robbe's mother and an unknown woman are standing in the doorway.  
His mother has tears in her eyes.  
'Mama.'  
The brown-haired boy lifts his hand towards her.   
'Ow sweetie, you have scared me so much.'

His mother takes place on a chair next to his bed.   
'I am sorry.' 

'Shhh, it is not your fault.' 

'Hello Robbe, I am doctor Baker. How are you feeling?'  
The other woman gives him a friendly smile.

'Well okay, I guess.'  
He feels Sander staring at him.   
'A little headache and everything feels kind of heavy.' 

The doctor walks towards the table where a dossier lays.   
'We can give you something for the headache. How does your throat feel?'

'Fine actually. It was a little dry but it is better now.' 

'Can you please open your mouth a little and stick your tongue out?'

Robbe feels weird but he knows he has no choice. 

'Looks all good. Does it hurt when I push here? I am sorry for my cold hands.' She pushes lightly on his throat.   
The younger boy shakes his head.

'That is good to hear. I can see that your temperature has been stable which is also good news. Your heartbeat was kind of high half an hour ago?'

Once again Robbe's cheeks heat up. 

'I believe that was my fault. I have been told off already.'   
Sander gives the doctor an angelic smile who shakes her head. 

'Very well then I am going to look at your chest now. Can you please lay back again?'   
'Here.' His mother passes him the remote. 

Doctor Baker starts to open to undo the buttons from his hospital gown.   
'No blood more on the bandage. Again good news. The wound is healing well. You are very healthy. Can you try to lift your arms now?' 

Robbe feels that pain again. 'That hurts a little.'   
The woman nods and writes it down.   
'That is because your muscles have had a big shock. They will be sore for a while, if it gets worse you need to tell somebody.'

She takes off her plastic gloves.   
'I will be back tomorrow. Then we will see if you can sit on the edge of your bed. Try to drink lots of water and to eat enough. I know that is difficult but try it at least? It will help your recovery.' 

Robbe nods. 'Okay, thank you.' 

'Take it easy. I will see you tomorrow. Bye!' 

'Well, I am going to the toilet and get something to drink. Marlieke, do you want a cup of tea?' 

His mother nods. 'That would be lovely.'  
'Robbe, do you want anything as well?'  
The younger boy shakes his head.   
'I will be back in a few minutes.' He puts a soft kiss on his lover's forehead. 

'Doctor Baker is a good doctor. She is really kind en informs us well. You are lucky with a doctor like her.' His mother tells him when they are alone. 

'Oh before I forget it your dad wishes you well. He will try to come and see you tomorrow if his work allows it.'

'Wow, that makes my day.'   
The woman who is laying his blanket straight doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.   
'Do you want me to stay tonight?'

'I thought you had to work tomorrow morning?'

His mother looks a little uncomfortable. 'You are more important than that.' 

'Mum, I am going to be fine. You don't need to stay here the whole day. You know you should take care of yourself.'

Marlieke doesn't look at him. 'I feel like a good mother should stay here. Sander is here more than I am.' 

'Mum, I don't expect you to be here the whole time and I have just woken completely up.'

His mother starts to cry.   
'I just couldn't look at you. You looked so small in that bed and I was just so scared. I am a coward Robbe. I have spent most the time here in the cafeteria. I don't like hospitals they make me uncomfortable. Every time I walk through the door I feel miserable. I haven't been able to sleep for days because I can't stop worrying about you. ' His mother is beginning to sound hysterical. 

Robbe takes her hand. 'Please don't cry. You don't have to be here the whole day if you don't feel at ease. You also don't have to come every single day. We can talk on the phone or we can skype.'

'I am so sorry Robbe. I should be able to take care of you.' 

'Hopefully, I will be home soon then you can take care of me. I don't want you to get stressed over me. I promise you I am going to be fine. '

'What did I do to deserve a son like you?'

'Being the sweetest mum in the whole world.'

His mother wipes her tears away. 'I know I am not the best mother but I really try.'

'I know that mum and for me, you are the best. Please go home or to aunt Marie and try to sleep. You don't have to worry about me anymore. I feel so much better already.'

The woman presses a kiss against his forehead. 'I love you so much, baby.'   
'I love you too mama.'

'I will try to come tomorrow after work.'  
'Minute by minute mum.' 

She gives him a stroke over his head.   
'You are such a wise boy. Let them take good care of you.' 

'I will speak to you tomorrow.'

'Bye, sweetie.'

His mother gives him one last kiss on his forehead before she leaves the room.   
Robbe takes a deep breath.   
He hates to see his mother cry. It breaks his heart so her like this. He knows how hard she tries. 

'Room service.'   
Sander walks back into the room 'I also have your dinner Robbe.'  
He puts a tray with food on the small table.   
'Do you want to sit up? Might be easier to eat that way.'  
The younger boy nods and takes the remote. 

'Where is your mother?' 

'Oh, she left.'

Sander raises his eyebrow. 'Left were?'

'Home I think or maybe my aunt house.' 

His boyfriend unfolds a table over his bed.   
'I thought she was planning to stay the night?'

Robbe shakes head.   
'She wasn't feeling well so I told her to go.'  
He can see that the older boy is thinking.   
'That is then probably the best for her' he finally says. 

'What is for dinner?' 

'Lovely hospital food. You have got some soup, pasta, a salad and even dessert. Fresh yoghurt with strawberry flavour!' 

'To be honest, I am not hungry.'

'I know that. They've been feeding you through an IV over the past few days. Your body isn't used to fresh food anymore but you know you have to try.'

Robbe lets out a deep sigh. 'Let's start with the soup then.' 

He barely eats anything but Sander states that he is proud of him. The younger boy had taken a bite out of everything. 

'What are you eating?' 

'I have pasta in the fridge.'

'Which fridge?'

'There is a small kitchen for visitors where you can get coffee, tea stuff like that.' 

'You should eat now. It is like 7 pm already. '

.'Alright boss, be right back.' Sander blows him an air kiss and walks out of the door. 

Suddenly Robbe feels anxious. He knows that Sander is going to have to leave eventually.   
He is ashamed to admit it but he doesn't want to be alone.   
It feels weird in this room and it is still light outside.   
Robbe doesn't want to think about what will look like when it is dark. 

He is also scared that something goes wrong. What if his heart stops again? What if the buttons out of nowhere don't work anymore? What if the pain comes back?   
His rational thoughts are losing from his fear.   
Tears start to well up in his eyes. 

'Do you want some apple sauce? Some nurse gave it to me. Maybe it is nice for your throat?' 

The younger boy doesn't look up to meet his boyfriend the eyes.   
'Yeah maybe.'   
His voice is slightly shaking. 

'What is wrong?'  
Sander takes place on the edge of the bed.   
'It is stupid.'

'That doesn't mean it can be difficult.'  
The older boy tries to make eye contact.   
'You can talk to me, Robbe. Remember that you have been through hell. It is normal to be emotional. All those medications mess you up. Believe me, I know it.'

'I don't want to be alone.' 

'What do you mean? I am right here.' 

'But you have to leave soon.' 

Sander snorts which causes Robbe to look up. 

'Cutie, I am staying tonight. I have already informed the nurses and mother is bringing my stuff when she starts her shift. I thought your mother wanted to stay but if she isn't then I am.'

'You don't mind sleeping on a stretcher?' 

'I would sleep on the ground if that meant I got to stay with you.'

'You are the sweetest thing in the world.'  
'Shut up Robbe, I have a reputation.' The artist kisses him. 

'Can you come and lay in the bed with me again? I am cold.'  
Sander takes off his shoes.   
'I see what my purpose is tonight.'

Robbe lays his head against his boyfriend's chest.   
'I am tired again.'  
The older boy starts to brush his hair.   
'Try to sleep cutie, I will still be here when you wake up.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and lovely comments. It really makes my day!  
> I write most of the hospital stuff based on my experience in my country.   
> So it might not be accurate for everybody.


	4. Chapter four

Robbe slowly opens his eyes, trying to find out where he is.  
He doesn't recognize the room immediately.  
Everything is a bit blurry. 

Then he sees an empty stretcher next to his bed, and he remembers.  
He is in the hospital.  
He tries to find the remote so that he can sit up straight.  
His hands are searching through the blankets, but he can't find it. 

Damn it.  
He tries and fails to sit up straight on its own.  
'Fuck this man.' he groans until he sees that the remote has been in his lap the whole time. There is even a note attached to it.  
He recognises the handwriting of his lover. 

-I will be right back. -

Robbe smiles when he sees a small sketch of an angel on the note.  
He loves his boyfriend very much.  
He is so grateful that Sander spent the night because it was indeed a bit scary as soon as the sun had set.  
The artist had told him some silly jokes and he had attempted to brush the other's boy teeth again. It went a lot better this time. 

The older boy had stayed in the bed with Robbe until he had fallen asleep again. 

It was also nice that he didn't have to face the nurses alone.  
Every hour a nurse would come and check on him. Robbe founded it quite awkward but Sander was there to break the ice. 

'Goodmorning beautiful boy.' 

A freshly showered Sander walked through the door. At least that was what Robbe assumed because his hair was wet. 

'How is the prettiest boy from Belgium doing?'

Robbe feels a blush creeping up his cheek. 

´I don't know, how are you doing?' 

The older boy snorts. 'You are such a cliche.'

'Excuse me? I am a cliche? Do you even notice what for kind of sappy shit you all day long? 

'It fits my fuck boy slash artist aesthetic.'

'You talk so much bullshit.'

Sander leans on the back from the bed giving him a playful look. 

'And you love it so much.' 

Robbe smiles at him. 

'I have brought some fresh croissant if you want? Your breakfast from the hospital is standing over there but I think you deserve a treat. Unless you want the other thing of course'

'What is the other thing?'

'I believe some yoghurt with some fresh apple parts and strawberries. Maybe you should eat your fruit first then you can have your croissant.'

Robbe lets out a sign. 'Can you bring it over here?' 

'Well, I can't expect you to come and get can I?'

The younger boy rolls his eyes. 

Eating food goes a little bit better this time.  
He eats almost every strawberry and half of the apple parts.  
He struggles more with the croissant. He manages to eat half it. 

In the meantime, Sander has put on the tv which Robbe is thankful for. It gives him the space to eat at his own pace and to wake up properly. 

'Good Morning boys.' Nola is standing in the doorway.  
'How are you doing?' She walks towards the bed and picks up the dossier from the table. 

'I feel already better than yesterday. My head is less heavy and clouded. '  
'That is good to hear. What about your arms? Do they still hurt?' 

'Only when I stretch them.

She nods. 'Okay, do you still have a headache?'  
Robbe shakes his head.  
'Do you want me to wash you before or after the tests?' 

The brown-haired stares at her. 'Wash me?' 

'Yeah before or after? I would say after because then you will feel fresher.'

'Yeah sure' stutters he. 

She does the same tests as yesterday. 'Still looking all good. I am going to get some fresh sheets. I will be back in a minute.' 

Robbe gives Sander a confused look.  
'How are they going to change my bedsheets?'  
'They have some trick for that. I saw them doing it Sunday.'  
The older boy is still watching the tv. 

Nola walks back into the room with a trolley on which a small tub and some cloth lie.  
'Just tell me if the water is too hot or too cold and of course if something hurts.'  
She unbuttons his hospital gown and takes it off him.

'We can't give you a real shirt yet because we need to check the wound several times per day. It also may be uncomfortable to put on. I think that we can give you some of your own sweatpants and underwear if you would like that.'

Robbe feels his cheeks heating up. He hadn't realised he wasn't wearing any underwear under that damn gown. 

Nola lifts his arms slightly and starts to run his arm up and down with a washcloth. Then is chest, armpits and slowly making her way down.  
The brown-haired boy swallows. He fucking hates this. 

'No too cold or anything?' 

He shakes his head.  
She pushes the sheets down a lays a small towel on his private part.  
It is way too embarrassing for Robbe to handle.  
She is even washing his feet. 

'Do you want to put on some underwear and sweatpants?'

Yes a soon as possible. 

'Yeah.'  
'Do you know where you have it.'

'Here, I took it already out of his bag. '

Sander is standing next to the bed with a facial expression you don't see often on him. Pity.  
Robbe hates that and his boyfriend knows that.  
They both hate it so they had made a pact to never pity each other. 

The younger boy wants to disappear when she puts his underwear on. 

'Robbe I am going to lay you on your side for a second. It might hurt a little bit.'

'Can I help?' The artist looks at her.

'Maybe you can hold and distract him. Here take his waist' 

Robbe feels a big hand gently hand holding his waist.  
'Robbe take a deep breath. I will do it as quick as I can.' 

He slowly gets turned over. It does indeed hurt but nothing unmanageable. He feels the fingers of his boyfriend slowly stroking his exposed skin. 

'This side is done, now the other side.' 

He gets rolled over again. He bites his lip. Something about this makes him feel humiliated. 

'All done sweetie.'  
Sander rolls him tender on his back again.  
Nola puts a fresh hospital gown on him. 

'I have put your dinner options on the table, you need to fill them in before 1 pm. Later this morning a physio will come by. He will probably try some breathing exercise. I don't know when doctor Baker will visit you. Oh, and a social worker will come today. Do you have any questions?'

'Social worker?' 

'Somebody who you can talk to. I know you can talk to your friends and family but it is important to talk to someone professionally. You have been through something traumatizing. The social worker is also the person your parents or boyfriend can talk to.' 

'Yeah, I have already met him. He is a nice bloke.'  
Sander gives him a soft look. 

'Oh, okay.' 

'See you later Robbe.'

There is an awkward silence when she is gone.  
The younger boy plays a little with the ends his fresh blankets.  
'Robbe,-'  
But he shakes his head.  
'I don't want to talk about it.'

The older brushes through the other boy's hair.  
'That is okay, I just want you to know that you don't need to be embarrassed. She was just doing her job. She does that almost every day, it is nothing to her.' 

'It is just humiliating.' 

'What is there humiliating about? I know that you would rather to it yourself but you can't and you don't need to be ashamed for that.  
It wouldn't be nice to lay here all week without being washed or have clean clothes.' 

'It is just the fact I don't like when other people touch me.'  
He almost whispers the next sentence. 'And she is a girl.' 

Sander lets out a soft snort.  
'You would rather have a guy? A very attractive handsome guy? I can ask that if you want?'

'Sanderrr.'  
The older boy places a kiss on his forehead. 'I know cutie. I know but remember that you have also done it for me?'  
'That was different.'

The other boy shrugs. 'Maybe a little bit different. Would you feel better if I did?'

Robbe shakes his head. 'No, not really sorry.'

'Thank god because I am not allowed. I asked when you were not conscious but they told me that it is not as easy as it looks. They have to be careful around wounds and stuff.'

The younger boy looks up. 'You asked if you could do that?' 

'I know that you are not a big fan when other people touch you and personally I would have wanted that.'

'That is good to know. Thank you, Sander, for everything.'

'You don't need to thank me, angel. I want to do it myself.' 

Robbe reaches out to his lover's hand.  
'I love you.'  
'I love you too.' 

They hold hands for a while and staring at each other.  
'Do you want your teeth brushed?'

'Maybe I can try it myself again. Eating was going well.' 

'O no and I had practised.'

'Okay, you can do it for the last time hopefully.' 

Sander gives him a short kiss.  
\-----------  
Robbe hates his life.  
He really does hate everything right now.  
Even his smirking boyfriend on the other side of the room.

His legs are bent in a position in which Robbe has been before, only when the circumstances were quite different. It was a lot more fun back then. 

'Does this hurt?'  
An attractive young man is standing next to his bed, bending his legs. Robbe shakes his head. He wants this to be over.

'You are quite flexible you know. Do you do any sports?'

Sander covers his laugh as a cough. 

Then younger boy shakes his head. 'I just skate sometimes.'  
'Ah, a skater boy. '  
The black-haired man stretches his legs in another position.  
'Does this hurt?'  
'No, just uncomfortable.'  
The other man nods.

'I am sorry. I do this to keep your blood circulating through your entire body. We don't want your muscles to get lazy because they don't have to work. It will help you with your recovery.' 

The man starts to massage his thighs.  
'You also can get cramps and believe me, that is way more uncomfortable.' 

Robbe would rather have a thousand cramps at the same time then this torture. 

'Can you stretch your arms towards me?'

The physiotherapist starts to stretch his arms and light massage his shoulders. 'Anything that hurts?'  
'Stretching my arm gives me pain in my chest.'  
'Here?'  
The man places his hands on the younger boy thorax.  
Robbe nods.  
The hands start to draw little circles all over his chest.

The brown-haired feels he is getting goosebumps. 

'I will write it down but it is quite normal to have pain there considering what your body had to endure.' 

Finally, he keeps his hand to himself. 

'We are going to try to sit on the edge of the bed. It is normal if you tremble a little and it is okay if it doesn't work. Try to roll on your side first and use your abs as a strength source.'

Robbe takes a deep breath. He is happy that he was already sitting straight. It takes him some effort to roll on his side but he succeeds. 

'Good job Robbe, take it slow now.' 

He is shaking but he slowly pushes himself up.  
He throws his legs over the edge.  
A hand on his back is supporting him but he sits up. 

'Well done Robbe!' 

Doctor Baker walks through the door. 

'Goodmorning Mitchell, how is everything going.' 

'He is doing well as you can see. He has a strong body.'

'How do you feel Robbe?' 

The brown-haired boy is slightly out of breath. 'I am feeling better as yesterday.'

She looks at him doubtfully for a second. 

'Do you think he can try to walk again?' She turns towards the other man. 

'I think he should. His legs are still in good condition if you wait any longer they may weaken.'  
She turns towards him again. 

'Do you think you can do that Robbe?'  
Robbe nods his head enthusiastic. He is already getting sick of staying in bed.  
'That also means we are going to have to remove the catheter. You have to go to the toilet by yourself then. We can always but it back put that won't be pleasant.'

'I think I can manage that.' 

'Okay, Mitchell can you stay a little longer? I am going to move the catheter and then you can try to walk with him.'

The other man nods. 

'Robbe, I need you to go and lay back in the bed the same way as you got up.' 

Laying down is a lot easier than getting up Robbe realises. He is happy when his head hits the pillow again. 

'This is going to hurt a little. Try to focus on something else.' 

'Can I do something.' Sander is standing next to the bed again.  
'No sweetie, not really. I need some space so you need to get back.'  
The older boy gives him an apologetic look before he stands back again. 

It does hurt.  
He struggles to keep his legs still.  
He feels that a tube is getting removed from his lower part.  
'Almost done and try to relax your legs.'

Robbe bites his lips and tries to think about something nice. 

'Finished.' 

He lets out a relieved breath. 

'Can you try and sit up again?'  
Mitchell is standing next to the bed again.  
'I will help you this time.'

Robbe gets up slowly and throws his legs over the edge again.

'Oaky, take my hands and put your feet on the ground.'  
He can't reach the ground because he is too small.  
'No problem, I will put the bed down.'

He can practically feel Sander smirking. 

'Okay try to put your weight on your feet.'

Robbe stands up but he falls almost immediately.  
Mitchell catches him just in time.  
'Take it easy. You haven't used your legs since Friday.'

It takes a while until the younger boy can stand on its own. 

The physiotherapist takes a step backwards. 'Try to walk towards me.'  
His legs are shaking but he manages.  
'Well done! I think that is enough for today. You have already done things the average person would have done after a few more days.'

He guides Robbe back to his bed. He is out of breath

'Try to practise a few times but never alone. I will be back tomorrow to practise some breathing exercises. Don't try to rush things!' 

Robbe mutters out a thank you and lets his head fall back on the pillow. Completely exhausted. 

'I am proud of you.'  
Sander is standing next to his bed again, stroking his arms.  
'My flexible angel.' 

The younger boy rolls his eyes.  
'Your broers have not left me alone for the past few days. They want to visit you like a thousand other people. I have never received so many messages in my life.'

'I don't know if I want that. I look like shit and I can't do anything.' 

'It can be a nice distraction. Maybe we can try with Jens, Aaron and Moyo. If it is to busy for you, we can tell them to go away but I understand if you don’t want visitors yet.' 

'I don’t know.' 

'Robbe if you don't want it that is okay but you have to understand that the last thing Aaron and Moyo saw, was you laying on the ground. They are worried about you.' 

'Okay, can you text them? I don't feel liking using my phone already.' 

'Of course baby.' 

'Can we cuddle after that?'  
Sander smiles at him.  
'You are truly a koala.' 

Robbe has never seen his friends so calm.  
Sander went to pick them up at the entrance of the hospital.  
They even had brought some presents for him.  
They are standing in front of his bed looking slightly uncomfortable.

'You scared us, dude. You were laying on that pavement out of nowhere.' 

Robbe shrugs. 'Yeah, I am sorry.' 

Jens snorts. 'What have you to be sorry about?' 

'That is just what he is saying all day. Nothing personal.'  
Sander gives him a soft smile. 

'But what really happened? Amber had said something about poisoned GHB and a heart attack?'

'I believe I had an overdose of poisoned GHB. My body couldn't handle it so they pumped my stomach and yeah my heart stopped for a few minutes.'

'Jesus dude, you almost died.' Moyo stares at him with big eyes.

'Yeah, but I didn't so it is all good.' 

'Do you know-?'

A soft knock on the door interrupts them and Nola enters the room.  
'I hate to be that person but Robbe you can't have more than three visitors at the same time and I also need to check up on you'

'I will leave, I have been here for some time anyway.'  
'Where are you going?'  
'I am going home if that is okay. I will be back after dinner.'  
Robbe nods.  
Sander kisses him on his forehead. 'Take it easy cutie.' 

'Boys, can you stand back please?'

The broers shuffles backwards. 

'Robbe, can you tell me how much pain you have on a scale of one to ten? One is nothing and ten is unbearable.' 

'Five I think. Not really pain but everything is still heavy.' 

'Do you think we can take some painkillers away?'  
Robbe nods. 'I will discuss it with doctor Baker. Maybe it will make feel a little better. Less sluggish.' 

'That would be great.' 

She unbuttons his hospital gown and checks his bandage.  
'I heard you have walked already?'  
'More like taking one step.'

Nola smiles at him and takes his temperature. 'Do you feel more pain now?'  
Robbe shakes his head. 

'Okay good to hear. You are doing very well but you need to drink more water. I am going home now so I will see you tomorrow. Try to rest even though you have visitors!' 

'Thank you and see you tomorrow.' 

The boys are practically drooling.

'I wouldn't mind staying here for a night of two if that meant being treated by her.'  
Moyo wrinkles his eyebrows.

'I will gladly give you my place. '

'How can you keep it cool if she is touching you like that?' Aaron stares at him with big eyes. 'You need to teach me some tricks.' 

'Dude, he almost died he doesn't think about shit like that now. She is just doing her job.'  
Jens sends him a wink. 'And I am not sure if Robbe enjoys her hands that much anyway.' 

'You guys are impossible. You can sit down now by the way and if you want something to drink you can get it out of a kitchen somewhere. I don't where so you have to ask a nurse.' 

Moyo and Aaron are giving each other a look. 'We will go. What do you guys want?'  
'I don't care as long as it not tea.'  
Robbe shakes his head. 'Nah I am good.'

Aaron looks at him sternly. 'She just told you that you had to drink more water. So you are going to drink water.' 

´Exactly, we don't want to see that nurse get angry with you. Although that could be pretty hot' adds Moyo. 

Jens lets out a laugh when the two boys leave the room. 'Dumbasses, but they have the heart in the right place.'

He puts his chair a little closer. 'How are you really doing?'

'Well good I guess, I have been sleeping a lot. It all feels a little bit surreal.' 

'That is understandable but I didn't know you took drugs like that.' 

Robbe shakes his head.  
'I don't, my drink got probably spiked.' 

Jens gets pale in his face. 'Wait what are you sure by? By who?'

The younger boy shrugs.  
'I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway.'

'Was it the drink Sander was going to get for you?' 

'I don't remember anything. So you need to be more clear.'

'Sander was going to get you a gin and tonic. Was that drink spiked?' 

Robbe stares confused at his best friend. 'I don't know, that could be possible What are you on about?'

'I think I saw who spiked your drink.' 

'Jens, I don't care. It was probably some random douchebag who thought it was funny or someone accidentally switched drink with me. Nothing personal just a stupid coincidence.'

Jens stands up and starts to pace through to the room. 

'I think you should care because I think it wasn't a stupid coincidence. He was hugging Sander.' 

'Wait, what? And can you please sit down, I am getting dizzy of seeing you walk around like that.' 

The taller boy sits back on his chair. 

'When I was going home, I saw Sander in the kitchen talking to a bunch of people. It was those annoying dudes we have seen before at the skatepark from that other school. Sander seemed to know them because he was laughing with them.  
I saw one of them put something in the two glasses behind Sander.  
I didn't think any of it. I thought it would probably some kind of soft drug or maybe some more alcohol.  
Then they all started to leave and hugged Sander. I heard them talking outside. They were all laughing about something. I remembered one saying something about 'that the dude is would have the night of his life' and the other one about 'that he was already crazy so he wouldn't notice anything.'  
I thought they were just talking about a friend that would get laid or something but now.'

Robbe is speechless. He can't imagine Sander being friendly with those assholes. He doesn't want to believe it because that would also mean this was no accident.

'But then Sander needed also to be drugged.'

'I don't know bro. I think it is a weird coincidence.'

Suddenly the door flies open and a laughing Moyo and Aaron are walking back in.  
'Dude you will never believe what just happen.'

'We will talk about it later.' whispers Robbe towards Jens who slowly nods. 

The boys stay the entire afternoon until Robbe gets his dinner delivered.  
Jens his mother was waiting outside the hospital to pick them up.  
They promised they would be back soon. 

But now Robbe was for the first time completely alone and he hated it.

He was struggling to eat. He doesn't succeed in cutting the food and bringing it to his mouth.  
He felt so frustrated that he felt tears coming up in his eyes. 

A soft knock on the door makes him turn his head.  
A friendly-looking man is standing in the doorway. 

'Robbe Ijzermans?'  
Robbe nods. 

'My name is Daniel. I came by this afternoon but you had visitors so I left again. I am your social worker.' He pulls an annoyed face when he speaks the last two words. 'I don't like that term but that is just what they call it. You should see me as a person you can talk to about everything and absolutely nothing.' 

The man grabs a chair and goes to sit next to Robbe's bed.  
'What are you eating?'

'Euh, some potatoes and green beans.' 

'I see, do you like it? I know hospital food is not the best.' 

Robbe hesitates but he remembers his promise to Sander that he would ask for help. 'I haven't tasted anything yet.'

'Not hungry?'  
'I can't get it on my fork.'  
The man smiles at him.  
'You want me to help?'

'Please.'

Daniel cuts his foods and gives him a fork full of food. 

'Thank you.' 

'Is there something you want to talk about Robbe?'

The brown-haired thinks about the spiked drink but he needs to think more about that himself first. So he shakes his head.

'Is someone going to visit you tonight that you know of?'

'Yeah, Sander is coming back after dinner.'

'Sander is your boyfriend right? The guy with the bleached blond hair?'

Robbe gives a shy nod. 

'I remember him. He was here the whole weekend. I talked to him about you.'  
'He mentioned that.'  
'How long have you been dating for?'  
'Around eight months.'

The man gives him an impressed look. 'That is quite some time for someone your age. ' 

Robbe doesn't know what to say to that, so he tries to take another bite. Luckily it works this time. 

'I haven't seen your parents around. Have they visited you?

'Yeah, my mother has a few times already. Maybe she is coming tonight again. '

He hopes that Daniel doesn't say anything about his dad because he is not in the mood for that.

'That is good to hear. And your friends were here this afternoon right?'

Robbe nods. 

'Well, I am going to leave so that you can eat in peace unless you want to talk about something?' 

The younger boy shakes his head. 'Okay, I am free tomorrow but I will be back on Thursday. You can always talk to a colleague of mine if you want to. '

'Okay, have a nice evening.' 

'You too Robbe.' 

And he is alone again.  
Normally he doesn't mind being alone again but right now he hates.  
It makes him feel anxious.  
He is alone with his blurry head that can't think straight.

It scares him. 

He knows that it is medicines but that doesn't help.  
He feels everything more intense and he feels some more empathy for Sander who has to live this way. 

Robbe decides to give up eating his main course. He doesn't feel hungry anyway.  
He plays a little with his dessert that consists of custard with blueberries and checks his phone.  
Jens had given him his phone. It had been horrible to answer all the text but the broers had helped him.  
There was no message from Sander yet.  
The older boy was eating right now and he would come back afterwards to stay the night. 

Robbe couldn't express how thankful he was for his boyfriend. He tried to image laying in the hospital without having Sander as a boyfriend.  
That would mean he would be a lot more alone. 

His thoughts are interrupted by a firm knock on the door.  
His dad was standing in the doorway.  
If Robbe had some appetite left, it would be gone now. 

He had not forgotten that his mother told him that Dave would come and visit him but Robbe hadn't expected him to turn up.  
And now he was unprepared to be all alone with his father. 

The nerves were pumping through his body. He couldn't escape, he was stuck in this bed and forced to see his dad. 

After Robbe had walked away in December they had talked one time in person with Robbe's mother in the background as a buffer.  
His mother had obligated him to talk to his dad on the phone once a week.  
He had lied often when she asked if he had done it.

'Hello son can I come in?' 

His father voice sounded unnatural calm.  
Robbe nodded.  
'How are you doing?' 

'Well okay.' 

'The hospital had called me to tell me about what happened.'  
An awkward silence.  
'Is your mother not here?' 

Obviously not. 

'No.'  
'Where is she then?'  
'Home or with Aunt Marie I think.' 

'Oh, I wanted to talk to her. I had expected her to be here.'  
'Then you should call her or something.'  
'I wanted to talk to her and you.'

'Well, this is your chance.'  
His dad gives him a warning glare

'I think is not normal that you lay here in the hospital.'  
'I don't think anybody does.' 

'That is not what I mean. Overdose, GHB, drinking alcohol, staying out late and God knows what else you get up to. I think your mother can't take care of you.' 

Something just snaps inside Robbe.  
A wave of never-released anger sets free. 

'You don't get to say that.'  
'I am still your father Robbe and I only wants the best for you.'  
'Fuck you.'  
'Robbe what kind of language use is that?' 

'You are unbelievable you know that? You think you just can walk in here and starts to play papa again? You are a few years too late for that.'

His dad's face turns red.  
'I am warning you boy.' 

'What are you going to do? Leave me again?' 

'There are a lot of things you don't understand.'  
His dads face turns a shade of purple.  
'Well, I don't care.'

'I am serious, boy.' 

'That is great because so am I.' 

'I don't like your attitude. You need to learn how to have some respect. '

'I will give you some respect when you deserve it.' 

'That is it, Robbe. I tried to talk to you in a normal and it is not working. You give me no other choice then choosing the difficult option.' 

Robbe snorts. 'I am so scared now.'

'I am going to court. I have always tried to avoid this but your mother can't take care of you.' 

'You never wanted to go to court because you were scared of the amount of money you would have to pay mama!'

His dad slams his hand on the table. 'I never went to court because the court would give me full custody over you and I didn't want to take you away from her.' 

'That is bullshit. You just didn't want to take care of me and the court would know that. You don't stand a chance.' 

'I am so sick of your attitude. With a good lawyer, I will get easily full custody over you. I only have to show your mother's medicine use.' 

'Then you will need a lawyer who can change the law.' 

Sander is leaning casually against the door frame. Looking more handsome than ever. 

'Robbe is sixteen so he can choose with who he wants to stay. You would lose a lot of money because even with the best lawyer you will never be able to win that case. Hypothetically speaking, of course. I am sure it would never get that far.

Robbe's father looks confused for a second.  
'And you are?'

Sander holds out his hand. 'Sander Driessen, Robbe's boyfriend. A pleasure to meet you, sir.'  
Dave takes his hand and shakes him lightly.  
His gaze slides over Sander's leather jacket, his David Bowie shirt, the combat shoes and finally the bleached hair.

'I didn't know you had a boyfriend?' His dad turns to him.  
'I have told you that.'  
Robbe feels so angry he can combust at any second. 

'I thought that was over? Or was that somebody else?'  
It was clear to see that his dad tried to get a reaction out of him. 

'Nope, that was me' states Sander with a big smile on his face. 

The older boy walks towards his boyfriend and kisses him.  
His dad turns purple again.  
Robbe feels that Sander gives him a soft, not noticeable stroke on his hand. 

'You haven't eaten much have you?'  
The younger boy shakes his head. 

'Robbe, you know that you have to eat enough. Your body has endured enough the past week. We don't want any more stress.' 

His dad shifts uncomfortably on his feet. 

'I think I should go again.'  
He looks at Robbe. 'I regret the way this conversation went. I will talk to your mother. Get well soon.' 

'Goodbye, sir. It was nice to meet you.'  
Sander sends Dave an angelic look who opens his mouth but closes it again.  
'Bye.' His dad walks through the door. 

The artist waits a few seconds before he slams the door behind the man. 

'What was he thinking? You have had a heart attack for god's sake! You need to rest! Does that man have any brain cells? I can't believe you are related to him.'

'Relax Sander, he is gone now.'  
But the older boy is not done yet with his rage. 

'Look at your cheeks they are all red!'  
He places a hand against his forehead. 'And all hot. Seriously if this has any consequences-' 

'Sander, it is okay. Can you give me some water please?' 

The artist gives him a glass and takes a deep breath.  
'I am sorry. I shouldn't talk about your dad in that way.' 

Robbe shakes his head. 'He is a piece of shit. I already knew that.' 

'I just can't believe-'

The younger boy cuts him off. 'Can we please not talk about him anymore?'

Sander looks like he is going to protest but he gives in. 'Okay cutie. Do you want to watch a movie? I have brought some with me and I think this is the perfect time to cry together over an overhyped Shakespeare movie.'

'Romeo and Juliet?' 

'Romeo and Juliet baby.' 

'I still can't believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is your favourite actor. '  
They lay together in Robbe's bed.  
The younger boy's head on the chest of his boyfriend. Legs tangled together.  
The movie had finished some time ago and now they were staring to the credits showing on the laptop screen. 

'Maybe that is because that is the only actor I know the name of. '

Sander snort. 'Or because you think he is hot.' 

Robbe gives his lover a small push.  
He couldn't focus on the movie. It was going to fast and he was also still processing the conversation with his dad and Jens.

'Can I ask you a question?'

'I still love you. Don't worry.' 

Robbe rolls his eyes. 

'Do you know who could have spiked my drink?'

He can feel Sander shift a little.  
'I don't know. I was in the kitchen talking to some old friends and it could have happened then. It could have been anybody.'

'Who were you talking to?' 

'Some old friends from high school. I hadn't talked to them in ages. The last year of high school was kind of messy and I just stopped talking to them because I was ashamed for my illness.' 

'Did they mind?'  
'Back then yes but not anymore. We have exchanged numbers again!'

Robbe gets a strange feeling in his chest that has nothing to do with the heart attack.  
His boyfriend sounds so excited. 

'Are you sure that the drink was the one that got spiked?'  
'It must have been. You had only drunken that and a canned beer. Why are you asking?'

'No reason, just curious.' 

Robbe's stomach feels like it is filled with bricks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter five

Robb has his ups and downs. 

One moment he is almost himself again and, the next he can't even sit up straight. 

The doctors are saying that it is normal, but Sander doesn't like it. 

It hurts him to see his boyfriend struggling like this. 

He can tell that Robbe is getting frustrated too. 

The younger boy has become quieter and, he needs more space. Not from his boyfriend but other people need to back off. 

He gets annoyed by the fact that everybody is treating him like a child. 

Sander can see it in his eyes when he gets checked over and over again when the nurses tell him that he needs to drink more water when he is receiving compliments for doing the bare minimum. 

Yet he keeps on smiling and thanking every single nurse or doctor being the kind soul that he is, but when it is just the two of them, the masks fall off. 

Sander hopes that his boyfriend is allowed to go home soon so that they finally can be all alone together, cuddling in a proper bed instead of a small hospital bed. 

They are getting some more freedom every single day. 

On Wednesday Robbe was allowed to walk through the hallways a few times a day.

On Thursday they could wander around in the hospital and today they were enjoying the sun on their skin. 

They were sitting on a bench in a small park across the hospital. It was quite early but it was already busy in the park.

Robbe had put his head on Sander's shoulder, he was shivering a little. 

'Are you cold?' 

'I don't want to go back yet.' 

Sander lets out a laugh. 'That was not the question silly, here put this on.' 

He gives his jacket to the smaller boy who gives him a soft smile. 

'You are a true gentleman.' 

The older boy puts him closer against him. 'Only when I am with you.' 

'That is such a fuckboy thing to say.'

'That is such an innocent boy thing to say.'

'That doesn't make sense?'

'Shhh, I haven't had my coffee yet, leave me alone will you?' 

Robbe lifts his head and gives him a smile that makes the world a little brighter. 'I feel happy with you.' 

The brown-haired boy puts his head back on his shoulder. 

'I know that I am not on my best behaviour now and yet you are still always there for me.' 

Sander starts to stroke the curls. 

'Thank you for everything. I honestly wouldn't know what I would have done without you the past week. You make every single day better.' 

'I know you would have done the same thing for me. You probably would have done it ten times better though. '

'I like to disagree with that. You always know what to do or say while I only make things awkward.' 

The artist understands what his boyfriend means. Robbe feels ashamed for many things. It is probably the teenager inside him that feels insecure. His boyfriend acts very maturely most of the times so sometimes Sander forgets that his boyfriend is two and a half years younger than him. 

'I think that you overthink but that is okay.' 

'Sander that doesn't make sense again.'

'Yes, it does.' 

'In what world does that make sense?'

'Because you overthink everything that just makes things awkward. If you go with the flow-.'

His boyfriend interrupts him by pressing their lips together. 

It is an effective way to shut Sander up. 

'Zoë asked if she and Milan could visit today.' Robbe sounds slightly out of breath after their kiss. 

'What did you say?'

'I told her that I would text her later. What do you think?'

'Cutie, you are the patient, you decided.'

'I just hate that everyone is so worried and then you have Zoë who already stresses easily. I don't want people to worry about me anymore. I am going to be fine.' 

'That also doesn't make sense, maybe you need a cup of coffee too.'

'Sanderrr.' 

'I think the only one who is worrying too much, is you.'

Robbe turns his head so that they make eye-contact.

'What do you mean by that?' 

'You are closing yourself off because you are worried that other people worry too much about you which makes them even more worried which causes you to also become more worried.' 

'Yeah, you definitely need a coffee, you are brabbling.'

Sander playfully tugs his boyfriend's hair. 

'What I try to say is, that it is okay that people are worried about you. If this had happened to Zoë wouldn't you have been worried as well?'

Robbe slowly nods. 

'Don't you think that it is kind of hypocrite to worry about other people but don't let other people worry about you?'

The younger boy stays silent for a while. 'I have never looked at it that way.'

'That is because you are so young.' 

'I am almost seventeen you know?' 

'Still not an adult.'

Robbe lets his head fall back against Sander's chest. 

'You are so annoying.' 

'Well if I am so annoying maybe I should go sit on the other bench?' 

He attempts to stand up but he feels two hands clinging to his sweater. 

'Only kidding.' 

'You are a true joker.'

'I love you, Sander.' 

The older boy gets goosebumps over his entire body. He still feels a wave of electricity go through his body every time the younger boy declares his love.

Robbe is staring at him with his big brown eyes that look a little teary. 

Suddenly it hits Sander how close he was to losing him. 

If Senne hadn't been there or if the ambulance had come one minute later the boy next to him would have been dead.

Then he would never get to stare in those warm eyes again, never feel his cold hands creeping up his chest, never taste his lips again. 

He is so incredibly thankful that the boy is still sitting next to him, is still laughing next to him, still breathing next to him. 

He doesn't believe in a god but he needs to thank someone. So he sends a little prayer to the sky, asking if there can please never happened anything bad to his angel ever again. 

'Sander?' 

He realises that he had zoned out for a second and that there is a tear rolling down his cheek. He places his right hand carefully over the chest from the other boy.

The heart is beating steady and Sander knows that everything is going to be alright as long as he has his beautiful boy on his side.

* * *

'Well, I think this is a really cosy room for a hospital. It could use some more colours but I was expecting a lot worse.' 

Milan plops down in a chair. 

'Maybe some pillows in different colours. I will bring some for you Robbe next time.' 

'Hopefully, there is no next time.'

Robbe is sitting in a big armchair with his arm connected to a machine. The fluid level in his body was too low, so he had to return to the IV again.

'Can you go home already?' 

The brown-haired boy shrugs. 'I am supposed to hear this afternoon how much longer I have to stay here but they have already dropped that it is probably this weekend.' 

'Really, that is great news!' Zoe walks through the door and puts a big basket down on the table next to Robbe. She is slightly out of breath. 'Thanks for the help, Milan.'

'I thought you were a strong independent woman who needed no men?'

Zoë lets out a sigh and rolls her eyes. 

'It is from all the girls, Senne and Milan.' 

'I am one of the girls Zoë.' 

Robbe lets out a small giggle. 'Thanks but that wasn't necessary. I am already happy that you are here, it can be quite boring sometimes.' 

'But you have an excellent company, don't you?'

Milan gives him a wink. 

'Most of the times, yes, but he snores.' 

Robbe looks at him defiantly.

'You know I am sleeping on a very uncomfortable stretcher for you. I had expected some more gratitude.' 

'Are you allowed to sleep here?' Zoë looks at him questioningly. 

'Yes because he is a child and I am his supervisor.' 

The smaller boy lets out a groan. 

'Glad to see that you two are still happy and in love.' Milan smiles at them. 

'But how are you doing Robbe? Are you still in a lot of pain?' 

Zoë takes place on the chair next to Robbe.'

'No Zoë he needs to open his present first and then we can do all the boring talking.' 

'Milan you can't say that' sighs Zoë. 

But the older boy doesn't listen. 'Come on Robbe open your present!' 

'Sander, can you help me? I can't move my arm.' 

Milan has already taken the present from the table. 'I will unwrap it for you. Believe me, you are going to love this.' 

Zoë and Milan had stayed for almost two hours until Senne had called that he was standing outside the hospital to pick them up. 

It had been a nice afternoon, but one thing was bothering Sander.

He could almost always tell when is his boyfriend was lying and the artist was sure that he was lying about something or at least hiding. 

Every time the topic of the spiked drink would come up, Robbe tried to change the subject as fast as he could. 

First Sander thought that his boyfriend didn't want to talk about it because didn't want other people to worry about it but the older boy didn't like the way his face changed. Robbe looked like his was panicking. 

The younger boy was on his phone talking to his mother now. 

Robbe's mother had visited one time since Monday. 

She had tried to talk about his dad but the other boy had expertly avoided the subject.

Sander founded the relationship between his lover and his mother weird. Even now Robbe was asking the question if she was sleeping well, how her work was and if she took her medicine. They almost didn't talk about the brown-haired boy well being. 

It was like he was the parent. 

The artist knew that Robbe's mother loved her a son and vice versa but it reminded him of how lucky he was with his own parents.

Speaking of the devil. 

'Knock, knock.' 

Sander's mother is standing in the doorway with a paper bag in her hand and, a cup coffee.

Robbe ended the phone call. 'Hey.' 

'I am bringing you two some well-deserved dinner.' 

She puts the bag on the table and kisses both boys on their cheeks. 

'I am excited what is it this time? Broccoli, cauliflower, perhaps some more pasta with watery sauce? I don't even remember what I choose' 

'You haven't had Brussels sprouts in the past few days. I believe I chose that for you

His boyfriend gets a look of disgust on his face.

His mother just opens the bag and the smell of fresh french fries comes free.

He has never seen Robbe looked happier. 'Thank you so much, Katharine. You are a true angel.'

'I thought you deserved a treat.' 

She takes place on a chair next to Sander. 

'Nice to see you again too. It has been some while.' 

Sander shrugs and gives her a sheepish smile. 

'So how is everybody doing?' She looks towards the IV where Robbe is still hooked on. 

'I just want to go home, to be honest.'

She nods. 'Have you heard anything yet?' 

Robbe shakes his head. 'I would hear something this afternoon but there hasn't been anybody.' 

'I can look for someone if you want.' 

'Nah, it is alright, just want to eat now.' 

'What about you?' 

His mother takes a sip out of her cup. 

'I don't think my back will ever be the same.' 

He gives Robbe a suggestive look.

'I expect a massage when you are better again. What I am doing for you is not charity work.' 

'I will give you everything you want when I am better.' 

'Be careful what you say. You might regret it.'

'Yes, very nice boys, that is enough for today.' His mother interrupts them. 

'Your sister is graduated by the way. The graduation is in a week you are both invented but Robbe, I understand if you can't come.' 

'Isa has finished law school already?'

Robbe asks with his mouthful of fries. 

'Well, she is going to do a master but she has a bachelor degree now.'

'Wow, that is good to hear. Where is my phone so I can text her?' 

He tries to stand up but immediately falls back. 'I fucking hate that thing.' He looks angry at his arm where the needle is still in his skin and strokes it passively-aggressively. 

'Relax cutie, finish your fries first. Isa isn't walking away and do you even have her number?'

Robbe nods. 'We text sometimes and last week she wished me well.' 

Sander lets out a sigh. He is not even surprised. When Isa was home during the Christmas break she met Robbe and she fell in love with him. 

It seems like he has that effect on the Driessen household. 

Even his dad is a fan of Robbe.

It made Sander happier then he will ever admit. He swore to Robbe that he wouldn't let his family opinion come between them but it was a bonus that they all get along so well. 

'I will just pretend that I don't see you eating all that unhealthy food.' 

Doctor Baker walks through the door. 

'Sorry, that is my responsibility.'

'It is okay, he has been doing very well. He can have a treat.'

'That was what I thought.' 

'How are you doing Robbe?' 

'I just want those needles out of my arm. It is getting in the way.' 

Doctor Baker opens his dossier and starts to read. 

'I am going to check if everything is back to normal and if that is the case you can get those needles out of your arm.' 

She checks some of the monitors. 'But for the rest? Your throat, arms, chest etc?'

'All fine.' 

'The needles can go but you need to drink more. If you don't do that you can't go home yet.' 

'So if I promise I will drink two-litre water every day, I can go home?'

Doctor Baker shakes her head. 'No, not yet I am afraid. The wounds on your chest need to be healed.' 

Robbe lets out a sigh. 

'I will come back after you finished eating and take off the bandages then I will be able to tell you for how much longer you have to stay here. I will be back in about fifteen minutes if that is alright?'

the brown-haired boy nods.

'How is your mother doing, Robbe?' His mother takes some fries of her son's plate. 

'She is doing well now. She is staying at my aunt's house and still goes to work.' 

'Good to hear.' 

It is good to see his mother again. Sander hadn't seen her much the past week because he had been at the hospital with Robbe. 

'All done?' 

Doctor Baker walks back into the room. Robbe nods.

She walks towards IV and disconnects it. 'I leave the needle still in your hand because you never know. Can you lay in the bed for me, please?' 

'Do you need help, Lola?'

His mother is already washing her hands and putting on gloves. 

'A second opinion never hurts.'

She takes Robbe's hospital gown of him. 

This is the first time Sander sees his boyfriend with a bare chest since last week. He never really dared to look when the nurses washed him or changed him. 

For some reason, he was scared to see a huge gap but now he sees just some bandages.

The first thing that he noticed is that Robbe has lost weight. A lot of it. 

He never had much meat on him but now he is extremely skinny. 

Sander makes a mental note to ask his mum about it because that can't be healthy. 

The second thing is that he has really missed his boyfriend's abs. 

'Okay Robbe, I am getting rid of the bandages now. It may not look pleasant so you can look away if you want.' 

Doctor Baker pulls off the sticky part of the bandage in one go. 

He can see his lover's face change in a painful expression. 

It was not as bad as Sander thought. 

The chest of his lover was heavily bruised. Almost every colour of the rainbow was represented. There were four small cuts on his chest but they were stitched very neatly. 

There was no hole in his thorax or anything. 

Sander sighs relieved. 

Now he can ban that image from his mind. 

'It looks pretty good. The stitchings are healing well. ' Doctor Baker traces the little scars. 

'He is still bruised on the extreme side.' 

Sander mother is frowning. 

'Yeah, that is remarkable but not a reason to let him stay for a week right?' 

Katharine shakes her head. 'Not if you ask me.' 

'Okay, then tomorrow we'll take the stitches out and if everything goes well you can go home on Sunday.'

'Really?' 

Doctor Baker takes her gloves. 'Yes under a few conditions of course but I will explain that on Sunday. Tomorrow Doctor Verhagen will check up on you and he will take the stitches out. Any questions?' 

Robbe shakes his head. 

'Then I am going to take off.' 

'I will walk with you. See you later boys.'

Sander smiles towards his boyfriend.

'So you are allowed to go home on Sunday?'

The younger boy lets out a relieved sigh. 

'Never been happier. I can't wait for this all to be over again.' 

The artist takes his hand and places a kiss on it. 

'Me too, angel.' 

Robbe gets slowly out of the bed and places his arm around the taller boy's neck. 

He buries his face into his shoulder.

The older boy wraps his arm around his boyfriend's small waist.

This is the first time he dares to hold the boy tightly and he never felt better. 

Sander can't sleep that night. He tried to listen to his boyfriend soft and steady breathing but it doesn't work. 

He lets out a deep sigh and gets out of the stretcher. 

The artist takes his art supplies and puts headphones in.

He takes place at the table across Robbe. 

Nothing calms him more down then moments like this. 

Bowie singing in his ears, a pencil in his hand and his inspiration source looking beautiful in front of him. 

Some people will think that it is creepy that he stares at his sleeping boyfriend, but when he had confessed to his lover he told him that he didn't mind. So Sander didn't give a shit about what people might think of it. 

He had put on a playlist which was created by Robbe and Sander. The playlist they would listen together to. Learning new music through each other. It can't get more personal than that. 

Sander loved his classics but he also enjoyed what Robbe had shown him because it fitted the younger boy so well. 

There was one song in particular that the artist admired. 

It was number called Falling by Trevor Daniel. 

The song described Sander's feeling towards Robbe perfectly. 

It was almost it the song was written about them. 

_My last made me feel like I would never try again_

_But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt_

_Come closer, I'll give you all my love_

Sander often thought back at the time when he dated Britt.

Looking it back it was clear that is wasn't a healthy relationship but he didn't know that back then. 

He thought it was normal, normal that she belittled him, babied him, controlled him. 

The older boy wanted someone who wasn't afraid to take care of. Britt was for sure not scared but she took it too far. 

Sander was already happy that he had someone. 

He knew that he was difficult to date. Even without his illness, he was already a handful. 

Sander had been a romantic person since he was a little kid. He always was talking about weddings, loved days like valentine and his crushes would always be aware of the fact he liked them.

He had a certain passion when it came to love. A fire inside him. Art complimented that passion.

Britt didn't understand that passion. She would make him feel ashamed for it. 

She didn't understand how Bowie would give him comfort or how painting something would calm him down. Every time he did something which was not ordinary in her eyes he was manic. 

She was putting unintentionally that fire inside him out.

He almost lost his passion for love until he saw Robe in the moonlight. 

He will never forget that feeling. It was like an angel had come to earth. Just by looking at him, Sander felt hopeful and he knew that that boy was everything he will ever be needing.

The older boy knew that Britt was insecure. 

Sometimes he felt bad for her. Both her boyfriend's had cheated on her with people she knew. 

He knew that he also had been wrong in their relationship. Instead of breaking things off, he started to ignore her which made her even crazier. 

It hadn't been right for both them but it was over now. 

He hoped that she would find someone who would appreciate her for herself because she had always been there for him. She had loved him in her own special way. 

Sander still hadn't forgiven her for almost ruining things with Robbe but he knows that it wasn't her full responsibility. 

He should have told Robbe about his illness, but he didn't.

Just wanting to be Sander and not be seen as a mentally unstable person. 

He loved the way Robbe saw him. 

The younger boy saw Sander as the person he admired to be.

Cool, a rebel, mysterious, fearless. 

It made him happy that someone saw him as an independent person. He didn't want to burst his bubble. 

It came back to bite him in the ass of course. 

Their relationship had been a rollercoaster since the beginning but Sander wouldn't want to have it any other way. 

It fitted them. 

They would get through everything as long as it was the two of them. It had made them stronger. 

They had a special connection. One look and they understood each other. You can call it soulmates, true love or a match made in heaven but Sander wasn't sure if that would do it justice. 

There were no words the describe their relationship. 

A soft smile appeared on the artist's face. 

He had found someone who complimented his fire but also kept in control. Robbe made him feel in balance. 

He wakes up from his thoughts by a text message from Daan his high school friend.

- _Dude, do you feel like spraying tomorrow night? We have found a new spot and could use your skills. Gathering at the Keizersgracht, at 9 pm if you want to come._ \- 

Sander feels so happy he can combust. 

His boyfriend is alive, getting better and he has his old friends back. 

Live can be good sometimes. 

* * *

They were walking outside, holding hands. Summer was about to really begin you could feel in the air. The sun was shining and there was no cloud to be seen in the sky. 

They were walking around in the small park, taking small breaks because Robbe still got tired easily. 

'Do you mind if I won't stay the night tonight? I will be here tomorrow to take you home. '

The younger boy shakes his head. 'Of course, I don't mind. You deserve a proper bed and I will be fine anyway.' 

'Are you sure?' 

'Yes, you have been with me for an entire week. I can manage one night without you. '

'I am not sure if I can though.'

Robbe gives him a small push. 'Idiot.' 

Sander takes the smaller boy into his arms and presses kisses all over his lover's face. 

'Love you too cutie.'

'Sander let go of me, people are staring.' His boyfriend's cheeks are heating up. 

'Let them stare, they are just jealous of me.'

'Of you?'

'Yes because I am dating you and they aren't.'

'You sure about that?'

Robbe teased him right back. 

'You would never dare.' 

The younger boy shrugs. 'Never put all your eggs in one basket is all I am saying.'

'Oh really?' 

His lover grins widely at him and Sander wants to stop time so that the face of the smaller can stay like forever. 

'I guess I will have to remind you that no one can make you feel as good as I can.'

Sander pushes his lief gently against a tree in a dark corner in the park. 

They are almost late to get the stitches out and Robbe is nervously looking in the mirror running his finger over the fresh hickeys and bite marks. 

'This going to be so embarrassing. Couldn't you have held back a little bit?'

'You asked for it and, all the way or no way, remember?'

Robbe rolls his eyes. 'It looks like a vampire attacked me.' 

'It matches your chest.' 

Sander stands up to wraps his arms around his boyfriend from behind making eye contact through the mirror. 

'I quite like it to be honest.' The older boy whispers against his lover's ear. He can feel the younger boy shiver in his arms. 

A knock on the door interrupts them. 'Ready to go Robbe?' Doctor Verhagen gives him a questioning look.

'Yeah sure.' He wriggles himself out of his boyfriend's arm. 'Will you be here when I get back?' 

Sander nods. 'I will be gone around eight pm. See you in half an hour.' 

* * *

'Last time dinner here.' 

Robbe gives an excited nod. 'Thank fucking God, although it is not as bad as people say.'

'It sure looks like it.' 

The younger boy laid in his bed again. His stitches were successfully taken out but now he needed to rest again otherwise the wound get open again. 

'I am tired.' 

'That is because they gave you a lot of painkillers again.' 

Robbe lets a sigh and his head falls back onto the pillow. 'I know, can you tell me something?'

'What?'

'I don't know what are you going to do when you leave the hospital in a few minutes?' 

Sander starts to brush the curls when his boyfriend starts to yawn. 

'I am going to spray with some friends.' 

'Please not another mural.' 

The older boy laughs. 'I am tempted but I am afraid that will send the cops towards you or me. I need to keep a low profile.'

'Then what are you going to spray?'

'I don't know yet. I just got asked if I was down to spray. They needed my talent.' 

Robbe rolls his eyes but gives him a soft look

'By people from your school?'

'Old school.' 

'Hmm, nice.' 

His boyfriend falls almost asleep. 

Sander stands up to grab his bag until the younger boy sits up suddenly. 

'Wait from what old school and what for people?'

'My old high school friends I told you about and you need to lie back.' 

'You can't go.' 

'What?'

'You can't go' the younger boy repeats nervously. 

'Why not?' 

'Because-' He stays quiet.

'You just can't.' 

'Because I just can't?'

'I need you to stay with me.' 

Sander is standing perplexed. 

'What do you mean?' 

'Euhh, maybe the cops will catch you?' 

Robbe isn't looking him in the eye. 

'Robbe, that doesn't make sense. I told you I would go spraying ten minutes ago and you didn't have a problem with it.' 

'I mean that I want you here because I don't want to be alone.' 

Sander walks towards the bed and gently pushes his boyfriend down. 'This afternoon you didn't have a problem with it?' 

'I changed my mind.' 

'Well, I can't cancel anymore.'

'Why not?' 

The older boy lets out a frustrated groan. 

'Because that is one of the reasons our friendship stopped.' 

'You don't need those people.' 

'What are you talking about?' 

Robbe is getting red in his face. 'You have already enough friends.' 

'I don't Robbe and you know that.'

'What about the broers?'

'Those are your friends, not mine.'

Sander feels that he is getting angry. Why was his boyfriend acting so strange? 

'Robbe, I need to go now. We will talk about this tomorrow.' 

He grabs his bag but Robbe stops him. 

'What are you doing? You are not allowed to leave the bed!' 

'Don't go, please?' 

Two big teary eyes stare at him. 

'Get back into the bed.' 

'Please?' The younger boy takes his hand. 

Sander doesn't understand what is happening. He has never seen Robbe act like this. 

'I am going now Robbe. I don't understand why you are acting this way but we talk tomorrow.' 

He pulls his hand back, walks through the door and slams the door behind him. 

What the fuck was that? 

He takes a deep breath. 

Robbe probably needed some space. 

'Hey, are you leaving?' 

Nola is walking past him. 

'Yes, can you maybe check-up on Robbe? He was acting strange.' 

'What do you mean strange?' 

'I don't know, out of character.'

She gives him an understanding look. 'Probably the medication.'

Sander nods.

'I know but I really need to leave and I feel bad.'

'I will check on him, don't worry. I will be here for the whole night.' 

'Thank you.' 

'No problem.' 

It is kind of cold outside. Sander is happy that he is wearing a hoodie. He was waiting on their usual spot and he felt a little bit of deja vu. 

How many times had they sprayed together? 

Probably way too much. It is a miracle that they never got caught. 

'Ewa, brother. Good to see you.' 

He feels a slap on his shoulder. Daan is standing behind him. 

'The other will be here soon. Cool that you are here. We have missed you, dude, our murals are not the same.'

Sander gets a warm feeling in his stomach. 'Shut up, you are going to make blush.'

'Just telling the truth. You are the only one with some talent.' 

'Wow, thanks Daan.' Hugo shows up out of nowhere joined by Michael.

'Nothing personal Hugo, we all know that Daan would fuck Sander if he got the chance.' 

Daan lets out a laugh. 

'I am not a slut but who knows if that meant we would finally make some good pieces.'

'Shall we go?' 

'We have to wait until Thijs gets here.'

'That dude is always late.' 

'We can discuss the rules then he knows them anyway.'

'Rules? What kind of rules?' Sander gives Micheal a confused look. 

'Every man for themself if the police show up and no snitching.'

'That is nothing new man.'

'It has been a while, Sander it can't hurt to remind you again.' 

Sander doesn't like the tone of Michael. He opens his mouth to reply but he gets interrupted by Thijs who is panting.' 

'Sorry dudes, I was with Emma.' 

The boys start to squeal. 

'How far did you get?' 

'That is not your business Hugo' Daan gives him a look.

'No that is okay. We got all the way of course. You should have heard her scream.' 

The other boys except Daan start to laugh.

'Do you have pictures?' 

'Of course, I do.' 

Sander doesn't know to say. 

This was not the boys he remembered. 

Daan gives him an apologetic look. 

'Shall we go? It is going to be a long night.' 

'We can also stay here. I have some fresh weed' suggest Hugo.' 

'Yeah let's do that and show those pics Thijs.' Michael takes the phone of Thijs. 

'Sander do you want some weed? You are the best at rolling them.' He shakes his head. 'Nah, I am good, man.' 

'Do you want something stronger?' 

Suddenly Sander is wondering what the hell he is doing here. 

He left his boyfriend crying behind in the hospital to talk to some bunch of idiots. 

What was he doing? 

'I am going to take off.' 

The four boys stare at him with confusion. 'You just got here?' 

'Yeah but I need to go.' 

Sander hesitates for a second. 'My boyfriend lays in hospital.' 

'Ow shit man that is rough. Will we see you again?' 

Hugo lights his joint. 

'Yeah sure, you have my number just text me.' 

He grabs his bike.

'Sander, wait.'

Daan is standing next to him. 

'I am sorry.' 

Sander shakes his head. 'It is okay. I am just not in the mood.' 

'Next time we will go spraying, I promise.' 

'Okay see you soon bro.' 

The closer Sander gets to the hospital how more guilty he feels.

He can't believe he just left Robbe behind like that. 

Robbe would have never done that to him. The younger boy would have stayed until Sander would feel okay again.

He hopes Robbe is still awake.

Sander grabs his pass to get through the door from the floor where is boyfriend lies but it declines.

'What the fuck?'

He tries again. 'What is this bullshit?' 

He rings the bell. It takes forever until someone answers the phone. 

'Yes?'

'My pass doesn't work.'

'Who are you?'

'Sander Driessen, I come for Robbe IJzermans.' 

'We can't allow you in the department. It is past eleven.'

'Wait since when is that a rule?'

'This is not a hotel young men.' 

And he is disconnected. 

'You have got to be kidding me.'

Sander starts to ring the bell again and again but no one answers. 

'I guess, I will break the door then' he murmurs against himself. 

'I wouldn't do that because then we need to call the police.'

Nola walks around the corner. 

'Thank God they won't let me in.'

'Because you are not allowed.'

'Please, I beg you. I need to see Robbe.' 

She shakes her head. 

'Please?' 

Nola lets out a deep sigh. 'One time and only because I think it will calm Robbe down.' 

'What do you mean?' 

'He doesn't stay in his bed. The only reason I am standing here now is that I went and got this for him.'

She holds up a big needle. 

'Is that necessary?'

'If he doesn't stay in bed, yes.' 

Sander lets out a stream of curse words. 

'Jesus is that necessary?' 

'Please open the door for me.' 

'Remember, only one time.' 

Sander is practically sprinting to his boyfriend's room and opens the door. 

'You are back.' 

Robbe let out a sigh and walk towards him. His eyes are puffy and 

he staggers on his bare feet. 

'Are you okay?' 

Sander let his boyfriend embrace him. He still doesn't understand what's going on with his lover. 

'Yes, I am okay, angel. What about you?'

'Tired.'

'Then why aren't you in your bed?' 

'I was worried about you.' 

Sander boops the nose of the younger men. 

'Naughty boy, you should be in bed and you know it.' 

'I am sorry.'

The artist pulls him towards the bed. 

'Don't be sorry, love.'

'I shouldn't have said all those things.' 

The older boy takes off the sweatpants of the other boy. 

'It is just the medication, don't worry about.' 

'Sander, I need to tell you something.' 

'You can tell me tomorrow.' Robbe is yawning. 

'No it is important.'

'Shh, I am not going away.' 

'But Sander-' his voice drops and he closes his eyes. 

'It is okay, angel. I promise that it all will be okay.' 

Sander tucks the smaller boy in and kisses him on his forehead. 

'Just the two of us as always.' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to work all day tommorow but I will try to update!  
> Thank you for reading!


	6. chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some smut at the end of this chapter, so be aware of that if you don't want to read it!

Sander wakes up with pain in his neck. He is sitting uncomfortably in a chair across the bed were in his lover is still sleeping. 

The artist yawns. He has slept better before. Hopefully, this was the last time, but he wasn't sure after last night.   
Robbe was stressing for some reason and, stress is one of the worst things to have when you are recovering. 

He stretches his back. Maybe he should take a shower, but he also wants to be here if Robbe wakes up.   
There is a soft knock on the door.   
'Breakfast.'   
An elderly nurse hands him a plate. 'Do you know if he is still here for lunch and dinner?' 

'I am not sure but I believe that it was not the plan.'   
'Okay, fill this in just to be sure.' She hands him the piece of paper with dinner options.   
'Thank you.' 

'Goodmorning, is he awake yet?'  
Doctor Baker is standing in the doorway.  
Sander shakes his head.   
'Then I am going to wake him.' 

'Is that necessary? He had kind of a rough night.'  
'What do you mean?'   
'I don't know, he was quite upset and he came across confused.'

'Let me read for a second.'  
She takes his dossier. 

'It was probably the medication. Robbe has been doing extremely well over the past week but last night was a fallback. Nothing to be worried about. He has been through something traumatizing.' 

Sander bites his lip.   
'Can he still go home?'

'That depends on how he wakes up which I am going to do now. It is almost 10 am. ' She takes a look at the peacefully sleeping boy and sighs. 

'Shall I do it?'  
'Yes please.'

Sander gets to bed closer and gives his boyfriend a soft kiss on his lips. 'Time to wake up, cutie.'  
The boy underneath him starts to squirm a little. He blinks his eyes a few times and looks confused at the other boy.  
It is the cutest thing in the entire world. 

'Goodmorning, how are you doing?' 

The younger boy needs some time to process everything. So Sander brushes through his curls. 

'Good I believe, I can go home today right?' 

'Well, we don't know that for sure yet. We still need to do some test.'   
Doctor Baker looks at him apologetically.   
'But we will do them right now, so I can tell you the outcome pretty soon. Can you get out of bed already or do you need a few more minutes?'   
  
Robbe shakes his head. 'I can get up.'  
The older boy helps him to get up.   
'Okay, Robbe then we are going to get started. I know you want to go home but I need you to be completely honest. We don't want to send you home only for you to come back over a few days.'

Sander feels bad for his boyfriend. Doctor Baker is pushing him to his limits and he isn't even awake for five minutes.   
He must do his best not to intervene when Robbe is panting and clearly out of breath.   
He doesn't like seeing his boyfriend like this. 

'Okay Robbe, can you sit down and take off your hospital gown. On your own' she adds when she sees that the older boy wants to help him. 

The doctor checks his chest again but doesn't say anything. She stretches Robbe's arms and softly pushing his throat. 

'Okay sweetie you can try to put a shirt on if you like. Sander, you can help him this time if you want.' 

Robbe looks at him. 'Can you grab a shirt for me?'  
He gives him a shirt that is from himself partly because it is bigger so easier to put on and partly because he missed seeing his boyfriend in his clothes.   
The smaller boy gives him a soft smile. 

'How are you feeling mentally, Robbe?'

The brown-haired shrugs. 'I just want to go home.'   
'That is not an answer.'   
'I don't like it here so I don't feel comfortable. I am feeling a little anxious but nothing unmanageable.'  
'What about last night?'   
'I was just tired.' 

Doctor Baker grabs a chair and places it across from Robbe.

'I know that you want to go home but do you understand that if you are home no one will check up on you anymore? We won't be there to tell you to drink water or eat enough. Going home is a big responsibility. You will need to do exercises every day, you need to clean yourself etc. Do you think you can handle it?' 

Robbe nods. 'I am used to taking care of myself.'   
'Do you also ask for help when you needed?'   
'I try.'   
'I will take care of him.'   
'That is kind of you Sander but Robbe has to do somethings on his own.’'  
'I can do that.' 

'Then you can go home.' 

Robbe grins widely.   
'But the conditions. You can shower from tomorrow on, preferably with someone who is with you for safety. You need to come back in two twee weeks. Then we will discuss how you are doing and make a plan to improve your fitness again. Try to do your breathing exercises three times a day. If you have a headache or pain in your chest you are allowed to take painkillers but not too much. I also want you to write it down so that we can talk about it when you come back. Is that all clear?' 

The younger boy nods. 'Perfectly clear.' 

'And no sexual activities.'

Sander let his head fall. 'For how long?'  
'That depends on how he doing over two weeks.'   
'Is it because his heart can't take it or because of the wound?' 

Robbe gives him a nudge. His cheeks are red. 

'Because of the wound.'   
'That is good to know.'   
She gives him a warning glance but doesn't say anything. 

'Then you can pack your bags and I will see you in two weeks. Remember that you have to take things easy!'   
She gives both of them a hand. 'Thank you for everything.'  
'I will see you soon sweetie.' 

As soon as she is out the door Sander picks his boyfriend up and spins him around.   
'Auw Sander put me down.'   
The younger boy is smiling.   
The taller boy grabs his lover by his waist and pulls him closer.   
Robbe wraps his arms his next.   
'I am going home.'   
'Yes, you are.'   
The brown-haired boy stands on his tiptoes to connect their lips. 

'Do you know if my wallet is in my bag?' They are packing their things and try to leave the room as clean as they can behind. 

'I don't think so but I am not sure. Why?'   
'I need my OV unless my bike is here.'

Sander stares at his boyfriend. ' Please don't tell me you think that can bike back home?'   
Robbe shrugs. 'How are we otherwise going home? Because my mum is not allowed to drive with her medication and stuff and cabs are just overpriced. You are here on your bike, right? Maybe I can get on the back of the luggage carrier? But it is quite a far bike ride so maybe-'

The older boy interrupts him by showing him a car key.   
'We are going by car.'   
'Huh since when do you have a car?'   
'I don't but I am allowed to take my mother's car. She will take my bike to get home.' 

Robbe is getting red in his face. 'That is not necessary Sander.'   
'Yes, it is.'   
'Sander, that is just-' the other boy is looking for words.   
'I can take care of myself!' He let his head hang. 

The artist walks towards him and lifts his chin.  
'I know that but that doesn't mean you should.'   
Robbe hides his face inside Sander's neck.   
'Thank you.' 

'You say that now but you haven't seen my driving skills yet. I only have that damn license a month. I can't promise you that you stay long out of the hospital.' 

* * *

'I thought one near-death experience per month would be enough.'

'Oh, shut up. I drove well.'   
They are standing in parking across Robbe's house.   
'Maybe but your parking is absolute shit.'   
Robbe is laughing at him. Sander is getting a warm feel feeling in his stomach.   
'When you ever get your driver license you are going to remember this moment.'  
'Why would I get one? You can drive me around.'   
'I am doing that for nothing. For every kilometre I drive you, I want a blow job. This was your free ride, but next time.' Sander lifts his eyebrows suggestively.

'Every kilometre! Dude, you got the rethink those prices. I don't think you can start a business if it is that expensive.'  
'Perhaps you can get some personal discount.'   
Sander brings his head closer towards his boyfriend.   
'Or pay me in other creative ways?'   
He softly whispers against the lips from the smaller boy. 

Robbe kisses him. 

Sander will never get tired of this feeling. The feeling of the soft pink lips moving against his. Nibbling, biting, sucking, licking until they are both breathless.   
'You look hot when you drive.'   
Robbe is staring at him.   
'Very grown-up.'   
Sander snorts.  
'I mean it!'   
'I knew you had a thing for older men.'   
'What the hell?'   
'You think it is hot when I do grown-up stuff.'  
The taller boy starts to laugh.  
'You know that there is a name for a kink like that.' 

Robbe puts his hands over his boyfriend's mouth.   
'Please shut up.' 

Sander pulls the small hands away.   
'Sander, don't you dare.'  
'Daddy issues.'

The younger boy starts to blush heavily and lets out a groan.  
'You are impossible.' 

'This behaviour only confirms my suspicions, baby boy.' 

'I want to throw up.'  
'Please don't, my mother would actually kill me.'   
'Then you need shut up.'  
'Only if you say it.'

Robbe shakes his head. 

'Come on Robbe, you don't have to feel ashamed for you kinks. At least not with me. It is very healthy to acknowledge your needs.'   
'Please stop teasing me. I have had a heart attack, I can't deal with this right now.'  
'Oh, so you can another time?'

'I give up. Where do I sign to get out of this relationship?'   
Robbe gives him a smirk when Sander grabs his chest dramatically.   
'Ouch Robbe. What did I do for you to break my heart like this?' 

'You are such a good actor.'   
'I know I was inspired by an older actor named Leonardo-'  
'Okay, I am getting out of the car now. Bye.' 

Sander smirks. 'Wait, let me open the door for you, that is part of Driessen service.'   
Robbe rolls his eyes and closes his door again. 

The older boy quickly gets out of his seat to go to the other side.   
He opens the door and makes a small bow. 'Thank you for choosing Driessen taxi services. Do you mind rating it?'

'Five stars on booking.' 

'That is generous of you.'   
'I feel like eating some croques now.'   
'Well, your wish is my command, let's go.'

Sander helps the younger boy out of the car and get both their bags out of the trunk. 

'Is your mother home again?'   
Robbe shrugs. 'I don't know, I told her Friday that I would come home, but if she remembers is another question. There is a key under the carpet anyways.'

When they walk into the living room there are three other people there.

'Robbe! You are home already'. Robbe's mum sounds kind of upset. 

'Euh yes, you don't have to sound so over-excited.' The younger boy kisses his mother on the cheek. 

'I wanted to decorate the house and bake a cake for you.'

'Well, I would still love a piece of cake.'

He turns towards the other people sitting on the couch.   
'Good to see you two again.' 

'It is also good to see you standing already, sweetie.' The older lady gives him a smile. 

'Sander this my aunt Marie and niece Valerie.' 

'It is Val now actually.' A girl around the age of fourteen stares at him.   
'And you are?'

'I am Sander, Robbe's boyfriend.'

The expression of the young girl changes completely.   
'I didn't know you were gay. You should have told me!'

Robbe scratches his elbow uncomfortably when his aunt nudges his niece. 'Robbe should have nothing. He can tell it when he wants it.'

She sends both of them an apologetic look.   
'How are you doing Robbe?'

It was a nice afternoon. Sander had made croques for all of them. He liked getting to know his boyfriend's family. It turned out they had a lot of embarrassing stories about him.   
He could see that his lover got tired at a certain point. Luckily the mother of the younger boy had noticed it too and had sent away the guests. 

Now they were eating dinner together, catching up on everything that happened the past week and talking about Robbe's recovery  
'Robbe, I have to work tomorrow. Do you mind being alone?'   
Marlieke sends him a hopeful asking look.  
'I stay with him.'  
She smiles at him. 'Thank you, Sander, for everything you do for my son. I really appreciate it.' Her brown eyes get a little watery. 

'It is nothing. I want to do it.'   
He reaches out over the table to take her hand.  
'I am so thankful he has you.' 

'You guys need a moment or?' 

Robbe looks from one to another with a stuffed mouth.   
His mother strokes his curls and rubs her eyes. 

Later that evening they are watching a movie on Robbe's bed. The younger boy lays against the chest of the artist.   
Robbe has trouble keeping his eyes open so Sander decides to turn the movie off.   
'Hey, I was watching that.'   
A sleep-drunken soft noise comes from his boyfriend.   
'I am sure you were. Why don't you go sleeping already? It has been a busy day for you. ' 

The smaller boy doesn't even respond anymore. He just stretching his arms, looking for his boyfriend.   
Sander takes off his shirt before he lays down, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend, inhaling his lover's send. A shiver runs down his spine. How he has missed this.

* * *

Sander had finally a good eight-hour sleep. He didn't have any nightmares, he was laying in a comfortable bed and, he was spooning with his boyfriend  
What more could he wish for? He sighs with satisfaction.   
A soft hoarse voice wishes him a good morning.  
Robbe is already awake. 

The older boy attempts to turn his boyfriend around so that they can face each other but the other boy stops him.   
'Little bit longer?'   
Sander snorts softly and holds his lover a little tighter.   
He feels soft fingertips tracing over his skin. Slowly making their way down his arms, drawing little figures all over them.   
The taller boy closes his eyes. 

Robbe is so gently.   
Sander loves mornings like this. They both don't have to be somewhere so they can fully relax. Enjoying each other warmth and presence.   
They are that kind of couple that cuddles a the but how can they not?   
Robbe fits perfectly in his arms like he is made for it. 

They lay in silence for a while. Sander feels that is eyes are getting heavy again but before he falls asleep again his boyfriend turns around.  
'I missed this.'   
'I did too, cutie. I always sleep better with you around me.' He brushes some curls out of his lover's face.   
Robbe gives him a soft kiss.   
'Do you know what time it is?'   
Sander searches blindly for his phone and squeezing his eyes at the brightness.   
'Almost 11 am.'  
'hmm.'   
'Are you hungry?'

'I really want to take a shower. My hair feels gross.'   
'You are allowed to do to that today. I also need a shower but I can do it after you if you want.' 

The younger boy shakes his head. 'I actually wanted you to ask to join me because I am kind of shaky sometimes and a slippery floor. Not the best combination.'   
Sander sits up straight and pulls his boyfriend's arms gently. ‘Let’s go then, angel.’

Sander can't express how much he misses this. The feeling of hot streams of water sliding down his body.   
His boyfriend's small body pressed against him.   
Hands that are wandering around. 

The older boy massage the scalp of his lover.  
'Do you want me to wash your hair?'   
Robbe lets out a small moan and his head falls against the other boy shoulder.   
'What is wrong?'   
'It just feels good.' The boy shifts slightly so that Sander feels something pressing against his thigh. He licks his lips.   
'Do you want me to do something?' 

'We are not allowed.'   
'They just say that so that we don't have hardcore sex and your wounds get open again.'   
Robbe lifts his head so that they are looking into each other's eyes.  
'I don't know if I can do it.'   
'I will make it easy for you.' The older boy promises. 

The brown-haired boy licks his lips and gives a small nod. 'You can always tell me to stop. Is there anything you want in particularly?'

'Not all the way, just something simple.'   
'Okay cutie turn around.'   
Sander wraps his hand around his boyfriend's member. Slowly stroking up and down.   
Robbe leans on him tilting his head so that his neck gets exposed.   
The older boy gets the hint and starts to press soft kisses against the displayed skin. 

His lover starts to moan softly and turns around.   
'Do you want me to stop?'   
Robbe shakes his head.   
'Do you want me to go faster or slower?'  
'I want more, I want to feel some of you.'   
Sander snorts. 'What do you want then?'   
'A finger maybe two if that is alright?' 

His boyfriend gives him the softest look and even though that isn't possible, Sander falls in love a little more. 

'Anything for you.' 

Robb turns to face the wall again and Sander wraps an arm around his hips, kissing the strong muscles and spine that makeup Robbe back and shoulders. He snakes his other hand down when Robbe sighs contentedly. The younger boy doesn't move as Sander slides his hand down his back until his fingers can brush lightly against Robbe' ass.  
Only this time the smaller boy moves, a slight tremble as he grinds against Sanders's arm around his hips. He's already slick and wet from soapy water, and the artist slides a little further, slowly, giving his boyfriend the chance to say no.

He doesn't. He gives a short, quiet whimper when Sander presses at his entrance, and for once the older boy decides not to tease him, not today. He said he would make it easy and he's going to keep his promise.  
He presses the first finger in, gently, and Robbe slowly opens up to him even without lube, sighing.  
Sander moves his finger around a bit, a stroking movement rather than a thrust.  
Robbe breathes out softly. "That's good," he murmurs.  
'It doesn't hurt?'  
Sander moves the arm around Robbe's hips and grasps his cock again gently. He feels the other boy clenching around him, before fully relaxing. 'Robbe?'  
'Mmhm, no' the younger boy rocks back. 

'Still okay baby?'   
He can feel Robbe nodding.   
'Do you want another?'   
'All those questions.' The younger boy signs.  
'It is good Sander, maybe another but I think I need lube for that.'   
'Give me a second.' 

The older boy pulls both his hands back which causes a small whine from the other boy. He makes sure that his two fingers are wet enough before he pushes them back in.   
Robbe trembles, his dick twitching in Sander's grasp. The artist can see his thighs shaking, so he holds still for a moment, lets Robe call the shots.  
'You okay?   
'Yeah, you can move.'  
Sander pumps him slowly, languidly. He is not going to make his boyfriend work for it. It is different than usual, but the older boy enjoys being so soft and gentle with his lover.  
He begins the same movement as before, stroking with a wide, sweeping range inside Robbe, then scissoring his fingers.   
Robbe let his head fall against the wall and release a soft moan.   
"I got you," Sander murmurs in his ear. "I got you, baby."

He tightens his grip slightly, twists his wrist on his next pass over Robbe's dick, thumbs at the slit on the head on the way up. Robbe clenches again, then relaxes slowly.   
"Good?" he murmurs. "Could you come from this?"  
"Yeah." His boyfriend's voice is shaking. "Yeah. I will."  
"Told you." He pushes with a little more force this time, seeking Robbe's prostate. "I'm gonna make it easy," he promises. "We can whatever you want," he adds on the end. "It's for you."

Robbe rocks back against him. "Slow," he murmurs.  
'Do you want me to slow down or?'  
'I - don't want it hard.'  
'Okay.'  
Robbe let his entire body lean against Sander, who is happy that he has been working out so that he can carry his boyfriend's weight on the slippery floor.   
He is continuing his movements. He uses every trick in the book he knows. Pressing on the prostate gland, stroking it, scissoring his fingers out, curling them, all the while jerking Robbe slowly and steadily.  
He is happy that they have been dating for a while now. He got a lot more experience now and knows what the do to makes his boyfriend feel good.

Robbe starts to pant instead of usually small moans and Sander knows he's starting to get close.  
'That's it,' he says. 'You're doing great.' 

'Want me to make you come now?' Sander murmurs.  
'Yeah,"'Robbe croaks. 'Yeah, please.'  
Sander gets to work, finds the prostate again, and begins to move his hand in earnest, speeding up.   
Robbe moans, 'God, Sander, yes-' and gasps as his orgasm spills over onto Sander's hand.  
Sander wrings him dry, satisfied when Robbe's muscles begin to slump from their tightly-wound position. He pulls out, cleans his hands off in the spray, turns Robbe around.  
He's flushed, lips red where he's bitten them. 'Wow,' he mumbles.  
'I told you I'd make it easy,' Sander says with a smile. "Come on, I still need to wash your hair.’  
"Oh yeah," Robbe says vaguely and out of breath, still coming down from his high. 

Sander sprays a load of shampoo on his hand and starts to massage it into the brown curls.   
'What about you?'   
'I can wash my hair later, cutie. You are not allowed no spend so much time under the shower. It will make your skin too soft and then you are more likely to get ugly scars. At least that is what my mother told me once.'   
Robbe's small hands are gliding down the artist's body and take hold of his hard dick.   
'I mean this.' 

Sander rinses the shampoo out off his boyfriend's hair. 'I can do that later too.'   
'You don't mind perhaps I can- ?'   
The older boy looks at the Robbe whose legs are shaking and is still trying to catch his breath.   
'Of course not, silly boy. You need to take things easy.' He boops the nose of his lover  
'I own you.' 

'Because that is what is important in life.'   
'Sanderrr.' 

The artist kisses him.   
'I am going to dry you off, come.' 

Sander turns off the shower and wraps a big towel around his boyfriend. He gets a feeling of deja vu.   
It reminds him of all the times Robbe did this do him.   
When he just couldn't move because he had no energy or because he couldn't bring himself to care.   
It feels good to also be able to care for his angel even though the   
circumstances are quite different. 

He helps his boyfriend to put on a big sweater and some sweatpants.   
'Why don't you go sit in your room? I will be done in a few minutes and don't you dare to go down the stairs alone!' 

Robbe turns around, takes a step and turns right back.   
'Can I watch?'

Sander is speechless.   
'What?'   
'I don't care what you are going to do. Washing your hair or jerking off but I just want to watch.'   
The younger boy bites his lips and a blush appears on his cheeks.   
'Is that creepy?' 

The artist ruffles through the wet curls.   
'No, that is not creepy. I have literally a room covered with drawings of your face and you are worried that I found you creep?’  
'So I can stay?   
The older boy nods.  
Robbe sits down on the stool next to the sink and looks at him expectantly. 

Fuck.   
Something about this is just really hot.   
Sander can feel his dick getting harder and he hops back into the shower.   
He grabs his cock and starts to stroke it firmly, leaning his head against the wall.   
Robbe starts to bite his finger unconscious looking intensely at his boyfriend, not wanting to miss a thing.   
'You look pretty.' 

The words go straight to Sander's dick. Something about the word pretty gets him going.   
He lets out a small moan and starts to stroke faster.   
'Fuck, I wish I could suck your dick.' 

Sander doesn't know what to do with himself. His boyfriend is looking so innocent in that big jumper staring at him with his two big brown eyes.   
He grabs his own hair with his free hand and tugs it. 

'Are you imagining that is my hair your tugging?'   
The older boy doesn't know how to form proper sentences anymore.   
'I miss the feeling of you choking me with that beautiful flushed cock.' 

'Fucking hell Robbe.'   
Sander is panting. He can feel a heat building up in his stomach and he starts the jack harder. 

'Are you thinking about my wet warm mouth swallowing your big dick?'   
He is absolute finished.   
He spills all over his hand and lets out a relieved sigh. 

'Shall we eat now? I am getting hungry.' Robbe hops off the stool. 'And that was not an innuendo' he shouts as he walks through the bathroom door. 

Sander needs a few minutes to come back to earth.   
Robbe is a shy person and Sander treasures that about him but sometimes in the bedroom, the younger boy is unrecognisable.   
It gives Sander so much satisfaction.   
He knows that it is dumb but he loves the fact that he is the only one who gets to see him like that.   
It gives him a sense of power and control.   
It is also the feeling that Robbe is comfortable enough with him to show himself like that. 

'You are not drowning now are you?' Robbe walks back in and Sander shakes his head, trying to get himself together again.   
'Five more minutes, I still need to wash my hair.' 

Robbe rolls his eyes but gives him a soft smile.  
‘I love you.’  
'I love you too baby.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is coming to an end. I planning on writing one more chapter and perhaps an epilogue.  
> I want to start a new fic after I finished this one.  
> Maybe an au, but I am not sure yet.  
> If you have any suggestion or ideas please let me know!  
> Thanks for reading, the lovely messages and kudos! It truly makes my day.


	7. Chapter seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on the song Rollercoaster by Danny Vera.
> 
> There is also some light smut.

Life is like an unexpected rollercoaster Robbe decides. 

You just get on and it takes off there is no stopping it. You will have to with it. 

The crazy highs and the real deep lows, it is all part of life. 

Robbe thinks often about parallel universes. It gives him comfort. 

It can help him to make a decision. It gives him comfort to know that another version of him did the other thing. 

Perhaps life was also like directing a movie because you make the choices, but that scares the brown-haired boy a little bit. 

It makes him afraid of choosing. 

He will never know if he did the right thing. 

It is funny because his boyfriend thinks in the complete opposite way. 

The theory of the multi-universe scares him, but the theory of being a director of his own life gives him comfort. 

Robbe can see where he is coming from. 

Sander needs confirmation, he needs to be in charge, he wants to have control. 

It terrifies him when he doesn't have that. 

When he thinks as himself as a director, he knows that he pulls the strings. 

You can call him a control freak but that is not accurate. 

Sander is one of the most 'going with the flow people', Robbe has ever met. Apart from Jens perhaps. 

His boyfriend has the blessing and the curse of feeling everything intensely. 

It is a blessing because there is no other person who can love louder or bigger than Sander. 

But unfortunately, it is also a curse. 

If Sander doesn't feel well, he feels it with his entire body. From his little toe to his hair tips. 

He can't escape it.

When the darkness consumes it is over for his lover. He needs some sort of thing that he can grasp. Perhaps the idea of being in charge gives him that. 

Robbe wishes that his boyfriend hadn't had to endure that, but he could never see Sander as a lesser person because. He didn't understand why people would treat his illness as his personality. 

Not everything that the older boy did was because of his illness. He could make a huge romantic gesture without being manic because that was Sander. 

Bipolar was just another label. 

Another box where people tried to put him in. 

Of course, it was nice that his extreme highs and lows had a name and, maybe it made things a little easier, but it wasn't a solution. It was definitely not an answer. 

Maybe where the two of them destined for each other. 

Robbe often gets that feeling when Sander says or does exactly what the younger boy needed.

They both helped each other. They complement each other.

One look at the other and they know the other is thinking. 

Robbe was thankful for Sander. 

This was the first time he has been in love, but he just knows that is it different from a normal relationship. 

The way he and the artist connected was special. Everyone told them that but the younger boy could also feel it. 

Time was flying since he was dating the artist. 

Robbe couldn't believe that it had already been two weeks since he almost died. 

He could have never had predicted how is summer break would have started. 

The first week in the hospital was not the kind of vacation he been looking forward. 

He was happy when he was allowed back home on Sunday. 

He was even happier that he was sitting on the beach now. Bare feet in the sand and enjoying the warmth of the sun on his skin.

He was in Scheveningen. A small beach town in the Netherlands. 

A thirty minutes car ride away from the University of Amsterdam where Isa had graduated a few nights ago. 

Sander's parents had decided to plan a short trip around the graduation of their daughter. 

They asked Robbe if he wanted to come and how could he see no to the puppy eyes of his boyfriend. 

They were staying here until tomorrow. 

Robbe felt like he was in paradise. 

He was laying on a towel next to his boyfriend. The weather was hot. 

They were laying in the shadow of the beach umbrella or at least Robbe was. 

Sander's mother had made them promise a bunch of things before they went alone to the beach. 

She was being quite protective over Robbe and often threatened to send him home when her son was fooling around with him too much. 

Robbe always laughed but he was kind of happy about. He sometimes forgot that he was still recovering and in the evening he would be in a lot of pain.

'Time to refresh that sunscreen, baby.' 

The younger boy let out a sigh. 

This was already his third layer and it wasn't even two pm. 

It was one of the conditions for them to go to the beach. 

Robbe could absolutely not get sunburned because that would terrific for his scars. 

So Sander had taken his job as extremely serious. 

Every hour he would put on a new layer of sunscreen. 

The brown-haired boy had complained that he could do it himself but it took him a lot of effort and the fingers of his boyfriend on his skin were also quite nice.

Robbe shivers when the hands of the artist roam over his chest. He is not sure that is because of the cold liquid or that his chest is still sensitive or because Sander is flicking his nipple gently. 

'Do you want to go into the sea?' 

The younger boy hesitates. 

'The stream can be strong and it is quite busy.' 

'You don't have to it, but I will hold you.' 

Sander gives him a hopeful look. 

'I don't know.' 

Robbe looked nervous at a group of boys around their age next to them who are playing beach volleyball. 

They are being loud and Robbe doesn't like that.

He never as but after everything that happened. 

He can hear Sander sigh. 

'I am sorry.' 

The older boy shakes his head. 'Don't be sorry, I just wish I could do something that would you make more comfortable.' 

He gives Robbe a penetrating look. 

'We are in love and we shouldn't have to hide it. You know that right? If people don't like that then that is their problem, not ours.' 

Robbe lets his head hang. 

'I know that.' 

He feels ashamed that he can't switch a certain button in his head. In moments like this, he wished that he could be more like Sander. Carefree and doesn't give a shit. 

He bites his lip. 

It is time to brave. He owns it to himself. 

Even though it doesn't feel that way anymore but he almost died. 

It made him realise things. 

He doesn't have time to be afraid of this like this. 

Life is truly now, he should make the most of it. 

Robbe gets off his towel and walks towards his boyfriend who is sitting in the sand, a sketchbook in his hand. 

He sits down in Sander's lap and starts to kiss him. 

'What-?' 

But Robbe cuts him off with another slow kiss. 

The artist is slowly running his hands down over his boyfriend’s back. 

'I just felt like kissing you.' 

The younger boy bites his lip and can't help but to look around. 

No one is watching them except a girl around their age. She gives him a wink.

He takes a deep breath and let himself completely go, slowing tracing the face of his lover.

'You are sweating.' 

'That is me melting for you.' 

The older boy leans back on his elbows and gives him a challenging look.

'Want to cool off? I can just stay on my own.' 

  
  


Sander shakes his head. 'No, not without you.' 

'Am I even allowed in the water?'

'My mum said the seawater would be good for you as long as you don't really swim and not too long of course. '

Robbe is doubting. He wants to be in the water but at the same time, he is scared for rough waves.

'I promise that I will help you.'

The younger boy lets out a sigh. 'Let's go then, but I swear to god Sander-' 

The artist kisses him. 'It is going to be fine.'

They walk hand in hand together to the surf of the sea. 

'You sure?' 

Robbe nods and slowly takes a few steps into the sea, trying to get used the temperate. 

Sander just dives in completely and shakes wet head as soon as he hit the surface again. 

'That is good.' 

He swims a few strokes before returning to his boyfriend and takes his hand. 

'Kom, cutie.'

The older boy slowly guides his boyfriend a little bit deeper into the sea. 

'Sander this far enough.' 

Robbe is balancing on his tiptoes to keep his head above the water. 

A big hand takes hold of his leg and places it around the wait of the artist.

'The other one too?' 

Sander gives him puppy eyes. 

'You can carry me like that without support?' 

The taller boy snorts. 'Are you aware of the fact that a bag of potatoes weighs more than you do?'

Robbe rolls his eyes but hooks his other leg around the waist of his lover. 

Sander smiles dazzlingly and places his hands on the hips from the other boy. 

'You really love this don't you?'

The artist nods. 'One of the best feelings in the world.'

They stay like that for a while. 

They are far enough from the beach to not hear the screaming kids and for that moment it is just the two of them alone on the world. The brown-haired boy has always loved the sea. The salty smell, the waves, the hot sun on his body, the weightless feeling in the water

Robbe has hidden his face in boyfriends neck. 

He feels so peaceful and happy. He doesn't want this moment to ever stop. 

He lets out a small sigh of satisfaction. 

'You okay baby?' 

The younger boy nods. 'I am just ha-' 

Suddenly there is a gust of wind that gives him goosebumps all over his body. 

It reminds of the dream he kept having.

The one with the young girl. 

He has figured out that it is probably his dead sister. 

Robbe had never known of her existence until a month ago. His mother had another breakdown and she kept crying over a girl named Madelief. 

At first, he thought it was just his mother imagination but then he saw his mother holding a picture of a baby. 

A dead baby. 

Robbe was quite disturbed after seeing that picture so he took it from his mother, thinking that it wouldn't be good to look at for her. 

He had never seen his mother act like that. 

She had never been violent towards him, she was always more a danger towards herself when she didn't feel well. 

The younger boy had been shocked when his mother attacked him. 

She couldn't really harm him, because Robbe was stronger and taller now but it had been scary. 

He had given the picture back to his mother and tucked her into bed, hoping she would calm down. 

She did. 

The next day she didn't say a thing the whole day. 

Robbe let her be. They all had bad days. 

The day after that she had red and puffy eyes. 

It was clear that she had been crying the whole night. 

Marlieke walked straight in his arms, looking for comfort which the younger boy had given her. 

She started explaining with a small voice. 

He had a sister that had been born dead. 

The day before would have been her fourteenth birthday. 

His mother told him that she had never been able to get over it and probably never will. 

Robbe had held her tight. 

With a shaking voice, she explained that the incident had meant the and of her marriage. Marlieke had fallen into a depression. 

Dave didn't understand why she couldn't move on. He had thrown every single thing of Madelief away. The picture was the only thing she had left.

Robbe was quite emotional after his mother's story. 

He couldn't help but start to wonder what his life would have looked like if his little sister was still alive. 

Perhaps his family would still be together. 

He knew he shouldn't be thinking like that but he didn't know how to stop.

The brown-haired boy started to dream about a little girl with brown hair, freckles and blue eyes. 

Usually, beautiful dreams willed with happy moments, but after the heart attack, they had turned into nightmares. 

Nightmares were she would stab him, drown him in the sea, rib his heart out or she would talk to him. Telling him the things he didn't want to hear. 

She would often say things about Sander, exposing the things Robbe was scared for. 

The spiked drink was a topic the little girl loved to rant about, making him absolutely crazy with guilt. 

Robbe hadn't talked about with Sander. 

He didn't know how but he knew he should. 

Jens threatened to tell it the other boy himself when he came by the past week. The artist needed to go home to pick up some stuff and to return his mother's car so it was just the two best friends. 

Jens had told him the story again. He had even found the boy on Instagram who had spiked his drink. His name was Michael. 

Robbe knew he was being a coward but just didn't want to hurt Sander. 

He knew the older boy already blamed himself. The younger boy didn't want to find out how his boyfriend would react to the fact a mate from him had done this. 

Sander had been so happy to have his old friends back. The people who he grew up with. Robbe just didn't know how to break the news to him. 

He knew that it would hurt his boyfriend. 

The feeling of guilt became bigger every single day. 

Every time Sander got a text, the younger boy wondered if it was Michael. 

Robbe often thought about Michael's intentions. He tried to convince himself that blond boy had meant no harm, that is was just a stupid mistake but Robbe knew deep down that it was not the case. 

  
  


Spiking someone's drink is not an accident. 

Then he had tried to convince himself that is was just one douchebag, not all of Sander friends had to be like that but Jens had told him about the conversation he had overheard and Robbe had seen the boys before. 

Catcalling girls, fighting, drinking, police involvements. 

All of them were assholes. 

That was part of the reason why Robbe didn't want to tell Sander. He was scared that his lover was like that or worse still is like that. 

He knew that Sander was a rebel. They had broken into a swimming pool when they first kissed for god's sake. His boyfriend also spray painted and had no problem with not scanning every product at the check-out from the supermarket. 

But those were innocent things. They didn't hurt anybody. 

Robbe tried to convince himself that Sander wasn't like those assholes. Sander was a good person. 

But something kept nagging him. 

The way his boyfriend was so nonchalant about the attack like it happened a thousand times before. The fact that Sander absolutely didn't want to go to the police. 

Robbe just didn't know what to do or think anymore. 

It was only a matter of time before his boyfriend went to hang out with his 'friends' again. 

'Somebody home here?' Sander knocks gently on his forehead. 

Robbe is startled. 

He had completely zoned out. 

'Are you cold?' 

The older boy traces his goosebumps. 

Robbe nods.

Sander gives him a soft kiss. 

'Are you okay baby?' 

The younger boy nods ignoring the knot in his stomach. 

'Let's get back to the towels.' 

The artist takes his hand and guides him out of the water, through the busy beach to their beach umbrella. He grabs a towel and gently starts to dry his lover's skin. 

'I will put on an extra layer of sunscreen on you, just to be sure. Why don't you close your eyes for a second? You haven't had slept well last night.' 

Robbe feels like crying. 

He is just so confused and exhausted from everything. 

They were almost late for dinner. 

Robbe had fallen asleep on the beach in the arms of his boyfriend. He felt better now.

He had pushed his feelings of guilt and confusing away. He would think about everything again when he was back home. Now he was going to enjoy his last evening of the small vacation with his lover. 

The restaurant where they are eating is quite expensive and posh. Not a place where Robbe would go with his mama. The hotel was also very luxurious. Sander and Robbe's room was bigger than both their bedrooms combined. 

The had a gorgeous bathroom with a big bath and a huge shower. 

The artist had already suggestively looked at him but apart from their little shower moment days ago, they hadn't done anything. Sander had kept his hands to himself

The younger boy was slightly disappointed but he tried to remember that is was probably for the best. 

So the walk-in shower was used for only showering.

The hotel had for sure a certain flamboyance but Robbe wasn't that shocked anymore by seeing the chandeliers and four-poster beds

He was already used to the expensive taste from Driessen family. 

At the beginning of their relationship, Robbe founded it awkward. 

The younger boy wasn't poor but he and his mother weren't exactly rolling in money. 

Sander wanted to take him on expensive dates, but Robbe couldn't afford it. It was also not necessary for him. He was happy with eating some pizza from the freezer and watching a movie in bed. 

It had been their first official relationship test.

Sander wanted to pay for everything claiming that he could never pay Robbe back for all the things the smaller boy did for him. 

The brown-haired boy thought the other boy was joking but it turned out he was serious. 

Sander was under the expression that expensive dates and huge gestures from him were the only way to keep their relationship balanced. Robbe did so much for him already. 

Robbe was shocked when he heard that. He had felt extremely sad which had made the older boy very confused. 

Sander meant the world to Robbe. He felt so loved every single day through text messages, small notes, soft kisses. He thought the other boy knew that. He hated the fact that he hadn't been clear about how much he loved his boyfriend. 

They had a long and open conversation that night followed by some mind blowing sex. 

They had made some agreements about money, dates and other stuff that night. 

Robbe was proud of both of them. They communicated with each other and were handling their problem like grown-ups. It had made them stronger than they already were. Both boys had compromised. 

Sander learnt that doing something small like a text message was already more than enough to please his lover. 

Robbe had to accept that his boyfriend loved doing fancy things or give him an expensive present. 

It was a difference in how they both were raised. 

'How are you feeling?' 

They laid face to face in the big bed in their hotel room listening to some music. Sander’s parents had asked them if they wanted to join a night walk across the beach but they had declined. 

They wanted so spent their last night at the hotel with just the two of them. 

After dinner, Robbe had hopped on the bed with all his and he hadn't come off yet. 

Sander had been sitting on the balcony, drawing the sunset. He had put on the Bowie playlist. Once the sun had set the older boy had joined his boyfriend. 

'Okay actually, not as tired as yesterday.' 

'Mmhh good to hear.' 

'What about you?' 

Robbe starts to play with bleached hair strands. 

'I don't want to go home yet. I love being here with you.' 

'We will do it again sometimes.' 

'Next year we are going on vacation. Just the two of us.'

'That sounds like a good plan.'

Sander crawls closer towards the younger boy and stares deep into his eyes. He pushes himself up so that he is now hovering above Robbe. He licks his lips before he places them on the neck of the other boy 

who lets out a small moan. 

The older boy takes off his shirt. 

Robbe let his hands glide over the golden chest and bites his lip.

'How are you so tan already?' 

'Good genes, I guess.' 

The artist pulls the shirt from the smaller boy up and starts to kiss his stomach. His tongue licking the lines from his abs.  Robbe closes his eyes for a second and lets out another moan. 

The mouth makes his way down to the hip bones. Sucking and biting the skin softly. 

The brown-haired boy attempts to sit up straight to get his shirt over his head but fails. 'Ouch fuck.'

Sander smiles at him before he helps to take the shirt off. 

Robbe pulls him close so that they can kiss but the other boy has different plans. He continues to kiss down the stomach of his boyfriend.

He feels a hand undoing his belt, shortly teasing with the zipper before the older boy undoes him from his jeans. 

Sander stares at him for a while. 

'You are so fucking beautiful.' A finger starts to trace his upper lip. 

'Kiss me please?' 

The younger boy sighs with satisfaction when he feels the lips of his lover moving against him. 

He tries to lift his hips to get some friction but two hands hold them down.  Sander kisses down his neck again, taking his time marking every single piece of skin. 

When he is done, he makes his way over to the shoulders, the already bruised chest, stomach again, hip bones, tights. 

Covering the entire skin of the smaller boy in hickeys. 

Robbe has never felt more loved. 

He grabs the bleached hair and tugs it softly when Sander starts to kiss his clothed dick. 

'Please Sander.' 

'What do you want angel?'

Robbe intertwines their fingers. 'I want you. All the way.'

The artist lets out a frustrated groan. 'You know we can't.'

'Why not? We can take it easy.' 

Sander rolls of his lover and groans again. 

Robbe rolls back on him so that they can face each other.

'What is wrong?' 

'I don't want to hurt you or make things worse for you.' 

The younger boy brushes through the bleached hair. 

'You won't hurt me.'

'I know you think I am a master in self-control but I am really not.' 

'But what about that shower thing you did?' 

Sander starts to rubs his face. 'That was different, I wasn't inside you, when I am in you I just want to fuck you hard.' 

Robbe can't help it, he laughs. Sander can say these things so blunt. 

'Hey!' 

The brown-haired boy rests his head on the chest of his boyfriend, listing to his heartbeat. 'I trust you.' 

Sander stares at him, clearly hesitating. 

'We don't have to if you don't want to.' Robbe gives him a soft smile

'I want it more than anything.'

'Then do it.' 

The artist bites his lip. 'I don't even know how.'

Robbe kisses him on his cheek. 'Then we will figure it out together.' 

'I need you to promise me to tell when it is too much' urges Sander. 

The smaller boy nods. 

'I want to have a safe word.'

Robbe groans. 'Why? We are not getting hardcore now are we?'

The older boy gives him puppy eyes. 'Just for my well being?' 

'Silver?'

'Silver.'

Sander gets off the bed to grab a small bottle from his suitcases. 

'Mmhh, you always come prepared don't you?'  He receives a smirk from his boyfriend. 

'Not sure if I have condom though.' 

Robbe shrugs. They have both been tested so that didn't matter. 

Sander gets back on the bed. 'What now?' 

'Sex?' 

He gets a soft push from that comment. 

'How?' 

'Just something simple, preferably one were I can lay down.' 

His boyfriend looks at him with a troubled look. 'I don't want to lay on top of you if I slip I will crush you.' 

'Sander, I am the one who overthinks not you.' 

The artist lets out a snort. 'Go lay on your side. You can do that right?' 

Robbe rolls his eyes. 'It is not like we are spooning every night. 

The older boy gives him a quick kiss before he turns the other boy around. 'Such a brat.'

Sander takes his time with him. He opens him slowly up, stroking over the smaller boy entire body. Hanging half over him to kiss his lips. 

'I am ready.' 

two greens eyes give him an intense stare. 'You sure you want this?'

Robbe nods slowly and lifts his head to press a short kiss against the lips of his boyfriend. 

The artist positions himself behind the younger boy so that they are now kind of spooning. He lifts one leg of his boyfriend to place his own between them. 

His hand sneak around the hip of the smaller boy to grab his cock but Robbe stops him. He brings the hand of his boyfriend to his stomach. 

'Just want it like this now. Not too much at the same time.'

Sander gives him a kiss on his spine before he slowly pushes in. 

Robbe bites his lip. This position is very intimate. He can hear his boyfriend panting but he keeps still. 

The brown-haired boy grabs the sheets when his lover starts to move. 

Slow thrusts, intertwining their fingers, kissing his neck. 

Sander is being so gentle that Robbe gets tears in his eyes. He loves his boyfriend so much and being held like this makes him feel on top of the world. 

It is slow sex. No speeding up, no hard thrust, no teasing. How cliche it may sound but it was really making love. 

Robbe had missed being close like this with his boyfriend. 

Way too soon Robbe felt a heat building up in his stomach. He wanted that this moment lasted forever but he was only human. 

He started to moan his boyfriend's name who understood the hint. 

A warm hand started to stroke his cock. 

Robbe could tell Sander was also close. He could tell by his lover irregularly breathing. 

He came with a loud moan when he felt his boyfriend finishing inside him. 

They laid in silence together for a while. Softly stroking each other skin, coming down from their highs. 

Robbe's eyes were getting heavy but Sander pulled him out of the bed. 

The younger boy closed his eyes, barely registering his lover washing and drying him. 

It reminded him of the first night they had spent together in a hotel room

He felt so happy and content that he could combust. 

There was only one thing on his mind that was ruining his bubble. 

Suddenly he felt the need to tell Sander. 

He didn't want to have secrets between them. It would only destroy their relationship. 

Sander was always gentle and patient with him, he deserved to know the truth. 

'Sander?' 

The artist tucked him into bed. 'I am coming cutie, just cleaning up some stuff.' 

Robbe was getting restless. He needed to tell the older boy now otherwise he wouldn't dare anymore. 

Finally, the other boy joined him in bed again. 

'Sander?'

'I am here.'

'I need to tell you something.' 

'Mmm?' The blond boy sounded sleepy and placed his head on the smaller boy's chest, listing to his heartbeat. 

Robbe started to hesitate, maybe he should wait. 

No, he shouldn't. He was not going to run away again. 

'I know who spiked my drink.' 

The other boy freezes in his arms. 

'What?'

He sits up straight. 

'I thought you didn't remember anything from that night?' 

Robbe shakes his head. 'I don't but Jens saw it happen. 

'Jens saw it happen' the older boy repeats slowly. 'Since when do you know?'

'Since he visited me in the hospital.' 

The green eyes of his lover widen. 'Since then? and you are only telling me now because?' 

'I didn't know how.' 

'Who did it, Robbe?' 

The brown-haired boy licked his lips nervously. This was a bad idea. The tone of his boyfriend was everything but friendly. 

‘Who fucking did it, Robbe?’

'Michael.' 

'Michael who?'

'Your friend Michael.' 

Robbe closes his eyes not wanting to see his lover reaction. 

There comes no response. 

Robbe opens one eye.

He can pinpoint the look on his boyfriend's face. 

'Sander?'

'Go to sleep, we will talk about it tomorrow.' 

Sander switches the light buttons, making it completely dark in the room and turns his back to Robbe. 

The younger boy feels tears in his eyes. This was a fucking mistake. 

Sander doesn't speak to him the next morning. He doesn't even look at him. 

It was an uncomfortable car ride back home. Sander's parents had sent them worrying looks but tried to keep a light conversation going. Sander ignored them too. 

Robbe had tried to take his boyfriend's hand but he moved his hand away. 

Sander's bike was still at Robbe's house so the older boy had to get out the car with Robbe. 

'Sander, I am so- '

But Sander took his bike and cycled away not even hesitating.

Robbe could hear his heartbreak into pieces. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to upload the last chapter/ epilogue tomorrow  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	8. Chapter eight

'Good afternoon boys, how are we all doing?' 

Sander walks into a small alley towards a group of 

adolescents. 

'Nothing up, good to see you.' Daan slaps him on your shoulder. 

The bleached-blond boy gives everyone a fist bump. 

'Good to see you all again.' 

'You too bro, we have missed you.' Thijs gives him a wink and offers him a beer. 

One that Sander gladly accepts. 

'So what is going on today?' 

'Not much, I am looking for a new place for weed. Old one got busted. Do you know any by chance?' 

Hugo looks kind of grumpy. 

The artist grabs something out of his bag and throws it towards him. 'Thank not only God but also Jesus.' 

Michael let's out a snort. 

'You are addicted, you idiot.' 

Hugo shrugs. 'So what if I am? There are a lot of worse things I could be addicted too.'

Daan lifts his eyebrow and exchanges a look with Thijs. 'If you say so.' 

Hugo quickly rolls a joint and takes a deep inhale.

'That is better.' 

'So Sander we barely talked the last time you were here. Did you say something about a boyfriend? I thought you were still dating that chick? What was her name again?' 

'Britt, that has been over for like eight months already.' 

'So she is free?' Thijs gives him look. 

Sander shrugs. 'I don't know. She is probably dating somebody else.' 

'So you date boys and chicks?' Hugo leans forward towards him when he nods. 'What is better?' 

'What do you mean with better?' 

'Better in bed? I heard that guys are tighter.' 

All the boys let out a groan. 'Hugo, please I don't want to talk about stuff like that.' Michael looks at the bleach-blonde boy. 'No offence towards you of course.' 

'It's a weight off my mind, really.' 

'That is our Sander boy. Sarcastic little shit.'

'But what is the answer? You can just say yes or no.' 

The artist licks his lips. 'It depends.'

'So the same as girls? It depends on the person.'

Sander shakes his head. 'Depends on how good you prep, how lesser you finger him how tighter he is.' 

'Fuck that sounds good. Might going to find a girl who is down to try it.' 

'Okay enough now.' 

Daan shakes his head and pinches his nose. 

Thijs gives him a clap on his shoulder. 'We will find you a nice girl again. Why don't you try and enjoy your freedom?' 

'Wait, you and Jennifer are not together anymore?'

'Painful subject dude. She cheated on him with a boy who is two years younger' Michael snickers. 

'That is rough, man. How are you holding up?' Sander gives him a squeezes in his shoulder. 

'I don't know, sometimes I just miss her but-' 

Michael interrupts him

'Yeah, very sad story. I feel bad for you dude but let's talk about something else.'

Sander raises his eyebrow. 'What is troubling your ass?' 

'Nothing, I feel like he shouldn't be this affected. It is just some girl not the end of the world.

Daan face turns red. 'Now listen up-' 

'Boys, why don't you all a blunt? It will make all your troubles go away.'

Hugo holds his joint up. Michael snatches out of his hand. 

'Sander, you still haven't told us about your boyfriend.' Thijs clears his throat after an awkward silence. 

'Yeah, his name Robbe. He is sixteen.' 

'Sixteen? You prefer the younger ones don't you?'

'He is almost seventeen though.' 

Hugo is already rolling a new joint, clearly not getting his other one back. 'You said something about the hospital last time?'

'Yeah, he almost died. He had a heart attack and they had to pump his stomach.' 

'Too much to drink?

Sander opens his canned beer and shakes his head. 

'Someone spiked his drink.' 

Hugo chokes on his smoke. 

'That is fucked up men, when did it happen?'

Michael looks at him, totally unbothered. 

'That party a few weeks ago where I met you all of you again.' 

'How is he doing?' 

'Horrible, he has woken up and stuff but there is a big chance that he will never be the same again.'

Daan and Thijs look at each other uncomfortably. Michael is suddenly busy with his phone. 

'It just messed up, men. He is just an innocent boy who has never harmed anybody in his entire life and now he is out of breath when he tries to sit up straight. '

'Is he going to get better?' Daan doesn't look him into the eyes.

'Yeah over a while but the doctors say that there is permanent damage. '

Awkward silence again. 

'Fuck men, tell him that we wish him well. '

Thijs grabs the other beer while his other when isn't even empty yet.

Do you know who did it?' Hugo looks at him with an unreadable look. Michael gives him a nudge. 

Sander shakes his head. 'No.' 

The group sighs with relief.

'But that is only a matter of time.'

'What do you mean?' 

'We reported it to the police yesterday.' 

Michael snorts. 'You went to the police? When has that ever worked? 

The artist takes a sip of his beer. 'I thought the same until I talked to the girl who hosted the party. Turns out their house hangs full with cameras, even the kitchen where it most likely happened. The police are probably looking at the tapes right now. ' 

Sander takes another sip when the boys around him don't respond. 

'The douchebag who did this is so fucked. I have asked Isa,-' 

Thijs interrupts him, clearly wanting to change the subject. 

'Isa? How is she doing I have not seen her around in ages. She was my first ever crush.' 

'I think she was all of us, dude.' Hugo gives him a friendly push. 

'She is doing fine. She just finished law school actually, went to her graduation a week ago but as I was saying, I asked what kind of punishment there is for someone who drugs someone else with clear evidence. '

He lets out a whistle. 

'Let's just say it is not pretty.' 

'What is it then?' Daan still doesn't look him into the eye. 

'Well, it falls under abuse. It depends on the injury from the drugged person and also on their age but usually around two years. They will also get punished for having a hard drug so that is I believe that is one year. 

Since Robbe is a minor, you can add another two years. 

Oh, and there is a bonus from three years if that person has already has been punished for violence or abuse. Either way, this asshole is fucked. '

The boys start to look nervously at each other. 

Michael narrows his eyes towards him. 'You know.' 

'Of course, I know, you absolutely piece of shit.' 

Sander walks towards him so that they are now fully facing each other. 'He had a fucking heart attack.' 

'That was not my intention.' 

The artist slams the wall behind the other boy. 'He almost fucking died and it is your fault. '

'I didn't know he would get it. It was nothing personal.' 

'It was meant for me wasn't it?' 

Michael doesn't look him into the eyes.

'Sander, we are sorry dude. It was just a stupid joke.' 

Thijs tries to lay a hand on his shoulder.

'Well, I have never laughed harder in my entire life.' 

'We just wanted you to have some fun.' Hugo starts to play with the zipper of his jacket. 

'Poisoned GHB. Great idea. What happened to all your brain cells? ' 

'I didn't know it was poisoned. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it.' 

'That is great to hear, Micheal. I am sure they like to hear that in court.' 

'Sander, dude you got to do something. I don't want to go to jail.' 

The artist starts to laugh. 'Where do you get the guts from to even suggest something like this?' 

'We are brothers, Sander. Remember no snitching?' 

'Every man for himself is the only thing I suddenly can think of.' 

Michael lashes out but Sander knows to dodge him. 

'I wouldn't attack me if I were you unless you want an extra year.' 

'You absolute son of a bitch.' 

'You are lucky with one thing though.' 

'With what?'

Sander takes a deep breath. 'That my boyfriend is the kindest and most forgiving person on this earth.' 

Michael looks him into the eyes again. 

'He doesn't want to believe that you really meant any harm. He said that your life shouldn't be determined by such a stupid mistake.' 

'So he is not going to the police?' 

'He hasn't made up his mind yet but I will tell you that I will do everything in my power to make sure you end up behind bars.'

'I thought we were friends.' 

'That is funny because I thought that too.'

Both boys stare at each other. 

'What Robbe does is choice but I want you to understand one thing, if you ever even look at him the wrong way, intentionally or not I will make sure that you will regret it for the rest of you live.' 

A car honks. 

'Sander, are you ready to go?' 

Senne is standing outside the alley with some of the other beat boy's

Michael's eyes are spitting fire.

'You are friends with them now?' 

The artist shrugs. 'Not really but Robbe is like a little brother to them and let's just say they were not happy when he was in the hospital. I might have told them that you were responsible. You are hanging boy. One misstep and they will go to the police themself. We have a lot of eyewitnesses. 

Sander gives Micheal a soft pet against his face before he turns around and walks through the alley.

'This all for some cock?' 

'Yes, Michael this all for some cock. Maybe you will understand it one day. I will pity that person though.' 

Sander put on his hood and doesn't even look back. He can hear a stream of curse words. 

The artist balds his fist and must use all his self-control in order not to knock Michael down.

Robbe had made him promise not to use violence because that wouldn't solve anything. 

'You okay dude?' 

Senne gives him a clap on his shoulder. 

'Just mad.'

The other boy gives him an understanding not. 'I can see where you coming from. '

Robbe had told him once something about that. Zoë had been assaulted by Senne's brother. She also didn't want to go to the cops. He should ask Robbe if she did or not. 

Otherwise, he could ask if she would talk to him.

'Do you want me to drop you off had his place?'

'If you don't mind?' 

Senne shakes his head and says goodbye to his friends. 

Sander can see Robbe through the window. The smaller boy is pacing around the living room.

He feels a smile creeping up his face. 

His boyfriend is just so adorable. 

As if he can sense their presence, Robbe looks up and practically runs to the door. 

'You are back.'

The younger boy is out of breath. 

'What have you been doing to sound like this?' 

Sander takes off his jacket and kisses his boyfriend

'Just walking around for a bit. Hey Senne, are you also coming in?

The other boy shakes his head. 'I am going to Zoë, she wanted to visit you tomorrow by the way. She will call you tonight.'

'Oh, that is good to know. Have fun!' 

Senne ruffles through the smaller boy's hair. 'Take care of yourself and maybe you should go to the police.' 

Robbe pulls a face. 'Not you either. Did Sander ask you to do this?' 

The artist holds his hand up in defence. 

'No, he didn't. Just don't let people walk all over you, okay?' 

The younger rolls his eyes. 'Yes, dad.' 

As soon as Robbe has closed the door, Sander pushes him softly against it. 

'Hey, cutie.' 

'How did it go?' 

The older boy lets out a deep sigh. 'I haven't punched him so that is positive.' 

'Was it difficult to do?' 

He shakes his head. 'They have changed.' 

Robbe brushes through his hair. 'So have you I think.' 

'I keep wondering if I would be like them if we had stayed friends.' 

'What do you mean by that?' 

'The only things they care about is girls and drugs.' 

'Sounds like my friends.' 

Sander shakes his head. 'Your friends are just idiots who are not thinking. Mine know they are wrong but just don't care.' 

Suddenly the older boy feels tears in his eyes. Even though it was easy to confront his old friend, it had hurt like hell. He had officially said goodbye to them. 

The boys with who he had drunk his first beer, smoked his first jointed, went on vacation with. They grew up together and they had always been there for each other. 

Boys that didn't blink an eye when he introduced them to his first boyfriend. Boys with he could discuss his insecurities about sex. 

Boys with he discovered his passion for spray painting. 

Sander had learnt so much from them. 

He hadn't been only saying goodbye to them but also his childhood.

It hurt more than the artist expected. He thought of himself as an adult who already had said goodbye but he realises now that were repressed feelings because he missed so much. 

He missed hanging out with his friends. He missed having friends. 

The bleach-blond hair boy had some people he was friendly with at the university, but not real mates. 

'I am sorry, baby' Robbe whispers while he wipes the tears of his boyfriend away. 

Sander shakes his head. 

'It is for the best. I don't want to be with them anymore.' 

Sander was honestly shocked when his lover told him who had spiked his drink. He just couldn't believe it. The option hadn't even crossed his mind.

He had felt so ashamed and foolish. 

He had been naive and that wasn't like him. 

The artist didn't know what the do with himself. He couldn't look his boyfriend into the eyes. 

It reminded him of the damage he had done. The drink was not a stupid accident. It was done on purpose and it had been meant for him but he gave it right to his lover. 

Robbe had been hurt again and it was again his fault. 

He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want his boyfriend talking this right. Sander needed to suffer, he had deserved it. 

The boy had been responsible for almost killing his boyfriend. 

His mother tried to talk to him as soon as he got home but he had slammed the door in her face. (Something he had been punished for later, he had to clean the dishes for the entire week.)

Sander had put on Bowie so loud as possible. He didn't want to hear his thoughts anymore. 

Thoughts who drove him crazy. 

When it didn't work he had taken a double dose of his medicine because he didn't want to feel anything anymore. 

His dad had found him throwing up in the bathroom. 

Usually, he would get his wife to deal with their son but this time he didn't. 

He had patted him on the back until his stomach was completely empty and took his son back to his bedroom. 

His father had tucked him and sat next to him on the edge of the bed. 

Sander relationship with his father was weird. They weren't as close as he and his mother but at the same time so much closer. 

His dad shared his passion for art. He was the one who taught Sander everything he knew himself but they never had a conversation that was not about art. 

They didn't talk about feelings or emotions. 

They didn't talk about Sander's illness. 

They didn't talk about their problems. 

Just art. 

Sander was okay with that, he had his mother for that. 

It was strange when his father wanted to talk to him about feelings that day.

The artist was so shocked that he confessed everything. 

It gave him surprisingly much comfort. 

His dad wasn't as easily worried as his mother. 

He had just pointed out the behaviour of his son. 

His father had been straight to the point.

Told him that he was running away instead of facing things. 

Taking the blame was the easy thing to do because he didn't want to think about the fact that his old friends had spiked the drink. 

Drowning himself in guilt so that he hadn't had to face the other problems.

Sander had been quiet for a while after that. He realised that his father was right. By blaming yourself, you kept the problem to yourself. You made the problem your problem. 

It was kind of selfish actually. 

He had ignored his boyfriend assuming that it would the boy would want that. 

But Robbe had never blamed him. 

Robbe who was terrified to tell Sander. 

The artist had run away instead of trying to communicate with his boyfriend. He had been afraid of Robbe's judgement. So he took matters in his own hands, trying to shield himself. 

He had done it again. 

He had tried to think out the different possibilities and chose the one he thought would hurt the least. 

Blaming himself because then Robbe couldn't. 

Sander went back to his boyfriend's house that evening. 

The mother of the smaller boy let him in with a smile on her face and had asked him about their trip. Robbe had been so tired he hadn't told her anything. 

The artist had given quick answers to her questions so that he could go upstairs. 

Only to feel his heartbreak a little. 

His boyfriend laid on his side in his bed. He had his headphones on and was crying. 

His shoulders shaking violently and making the most painful sounds Sander had ever heard. 

He had realised that his lover had drawn the wrong conclusion. 

The smaller boy thought Sander was mad at him for whatever reason. 

The older boy had slid in the bed of his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around him. 

Robbe was shocked first. He had tried to wipe his tears away and ask what Sander was doing but his voice broke during the sentence. 

The brown-haired boy had hidden his face in the neck of his boyfriend. 

Sander had also started to cry because how could he not. 

It had hurt every single bone in his body to see his angel this upset. 

They both cried until they were too exhausted. It felt like they had bottled their emotions up too long. They were relieved, happy, scared, angry. 

The felt asleep clenching on each other as if their lives depended on it. 

The next morning they talked. 

Sander explained why he had reacted the way he did and, Robbe explained why he hadn't told him sooner. 

After that, the anger came. 

The artist had felt betrayed by his so-called friends. He wanted to confront them immediately but his boyfriend had stopped him. 

He had to process it first or he might do things he regrets. 

Robbe had tried to talk it out of his head, but Sander needed to do it. He wanted to hear it from them. He had promised his lover that it would just be talking. It wasn't long before the older boy got another invite to hang out. 

Going to the police was still a kind of sensitive subject between them.

The brown-haired boy was shocked when he heard the punishment Michael would receive if he reported him. 

Robbe didn't want to ruin someone live like that. Sander had pointed out that he almost didn't have a life anymore. 

'I promise you that it all will be okay.' 

'They were just my best friends growing up. It feels weird not to have that ever again.' 

'We are now each other's best friends, right?'

Sander looked at his boyfriend who kinds of blurry because of his tears. 

'Jens is your best friend.' 

Robbe shakes his head.

'In some ways, yes but not like you and me. Jens and I have the same interest but I can't talk to him like I talk to you. With you, I am myself, I don't have to wear a mask.' 

The artist had never looked at it that way. Robbe was his lover, not his best friend but now he thought about it. He loved hanging out with the smaller boy. Doing stupid stuff together, play games together, talk to each other, cooking together 

When he was dating Britt the only hang out to go on dates or to sleep with each other. 

Maybe Robbe was his best friend. 

A grin appeared on his face. 'So are we now best friends in love or lover that are best friends?' 

'Lovers that are best friends. We first were lovers then we became best friends.' 

'Were we tough? I remember hanging out with you at that beach house.' 

'Sander, we barely knew each other when we first kissed.' 

'Yet you jump naked in a pool with me.' 

Robbe rolls his eyes. 

'You are such a smart-' 

The bell interrupts him. 

'Are you expecting somebody?'

The younger boy shakes his head and turns around to open the door. 

Daan is standing in front of the door. 

Sander feels that he is getting defensive and pushes his boyfriend behind him. 

'What do you want?' 

The other boy takes a deep breath. 'To apologize and talk to your boyfriend.' 

'Who is he?' 

The black-haired boy turns towards the smaller boy. 

'I am Daan, Sander's friend or was I-' 

His voice crumbles when Sander gives him a deadly glare 

'How do you know where he lives?' 

Daan holds up his phone. 'I followed your location, I had it still installed.' He smiles a bit sheepish. 

'That is not creepy at all.' 

'I know, I know but what else could I do? You would have never picked up your phone.' 

'Damn right' Sander murmurs. 

'You know Sander that there is nothing I can say to make things right again but I need you to know that I am truly sorry. '

'That fixes everything, goodbye.' The artist tries to close the door. 

'Please let me explain it.' 

'Explain it? What is there to explain? You are just a cowardly follower. '

Sander feels a small hand that starts to stroke waist. 'We can listen to him, can't we?'

'Robbe, I swear-' 

But the younger boy has already let the other boy inside. 

'What do you want to say?' 

Robbe gives Daan a soft smile who bites his lip and keeps looking towards Sander who looks like he is going to explode. 

'I just want you to know that Michael had done this before and that he is probably going to it again. He puts stuff in the drinks of girls and after that, he takes them home. I have seen it for myself. I think you should go to the police. This is the only chance with clear evidence.' 

'Get out.' 

Sander is shaking with anger. 

'Dude I know-'

'You fucking saw him do what? And you still are friend with him? Get the fuck away from me.' 

'You don't understand how difficult everything was.' 

'I don't care. Get out!'

Robbe starts to stroke his back. 'Calm down, love.' 

'You don't understand it because you weren't there. You were the only one who could talk back to Michael. After you didn't show up anymore, he was in charge of everything.' 

'And you don't have a mouth to speak for yourself?' 

'It was a difficult time.' 

'You have already said that.' 

'Sander you didn't see who bad it was. Thijs is still grieving about his father, Hugo is addicted to drugs and Michael has dropped out of school.' 

'That is not an explanation. That are excuses.' 

'But Michael has completely lost it. He stopped school and run away from home. He sleeps by a mate from him but he deals in return. At first, we would try to stop him from doing all that illegal stuff, but Thijs has to take care of all his brothers and sisters. His mother is working like 50 hours a week to make the ends meet. He is just happy he can escape sometimes. Hugo, I don't know what went wrong with him but Michael gives him the drugs he needs and after what happened with Jen I couldn't- ' 

Daan takes a deep breath. 

'I know what happened was messed up and nothing makes it right but I owned you to these explanations. I don't want you to think that our friendship was never real. Everything just went to shit.' 

  
  


'Why didn't you just walk away?'

The other boy shakes his head. 'I didn't know how to do it. I had tried but I haven't got many other friends and you know I am not the most social person.'

'I would rather be alone than with them.'

'They are lost, Sander. If I don't try to help them, who is going to? We are not children anymore. '

Sander stays silent. He doesn't know what to say. 

He knows he can easily talk. He walked away and never looked back because of his personal reasons. He hadn't thought once about how the other boys were holding up. It was always me, myself and I with him. 

'When I saw you at the party, I just got excited again. I was convinced that if you came back everything would go back to normal. That we would start to spray again. Turns out I was the only one who wanted things to go back the way they were.' 

Daan turns around to face Robbe.

'I am sorry for what happened to you.'

The smaller boy shrugs. 'You didn't put it in my drink.'

'I am leaving now again. Robbe, think about going to the police perhaps it will knock some sense into him. Sander, I never wanted this to happen. I am sorry okay?' 

The artist doesn't know what to say when he looks into the almost black eyes of his old friend. He knows that Daan had a rough childhood, they would have gone to the same art school together but his father had forced the other boy into studying economics because art was a waste of time. 

'I will let you out.' Robbe walks towards the door followed by Daan. 

'Maybe we can spray sometimes together. We were a good team.' 

Sander knows to bring out with great difficulty. 

'Let me know, only if you truly want it though. I don't need your pity.' 

With those words, the slightly older boy walks through the door. 

The artist lets out a deep sigh and he feels the arms of his boyfriend wrap around him from behind. 'I am proud of you.' 

Sander can feel his lover balancing on his tiptoes to places his head on the taller boy's shoulder. 

He snickers before he turns around to take the other boy into his arms. 

'For what?' 

'For listening to him. I think it was necessary for both of you.'

'I still can't believe the things he did or better said he didn't.' 

'We all make mistakes, don't we?'

'Why do you always forgive everybody so easily?'

'Because life is now.' 

Sander snorts. 

'I mean that. What is the point in staying mad when the other is clearly sorry? It is a waste of time. Maybe we die tomorrow and then is this discussion also a waste of time.' 

'Sometimes you talk like an old wise man. The only thing missing is your beard.' 

'That is because I am dating an older guy.'

'Oh, are you now? Tell me about him.' 

Robbe's hands start to wander over his body. 

'He has the most gorgeous eyes, they remind of the sea.' The younger boy kisses his eyelids softly. 

'He has a very sharp jawline.' A finger traces his jaw.

'You see? It has given me a cut.' 

Robbe shows him a cut on his finger. 

'Very funny you are.' 

'I wasn't done yet. He has the softest lips in the world 

with which he can kiss wonderfully.' A featherlight kiss is pressed against his lips. 

'The most amazing hair colour which finds him so perfectly.' Two small hands are tugging the hair strands. 

'Fingers that can draw so beautifully.' Robbe brings his boyfriend's fingers and kisses them gently. 

'Warm hands that feel so good when they are holding me.' 

The smaller boy takes his lover's hands and places them on his hips. 

'A very adorable nose, which is perfect to boop.' 

Sander snorts. 

'But the best thing, the best fucking thing is his heart. His wonderful and loving heart which makes him the most extraordinary person I have ever met. '

Robbe gives him a kiss on his chest.'

No, their summer break didn't start as they had planned, but that didn't matter. 

Because life was indeed now. They could wonder what if or maybe but they couldn't control fate. 

Sometimes things just happen with or without reason and that is okay. 

They had each other and that was truly the only thing that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has read this story, who has left kudos and comments. I had never expected so much lovely feedback and it really made my day every single time.  
> I want to write another story but I am not sure how or when. Maybe I am am going to write some one-shots first.  
> If you have a suggestion or an idea you can always send me a message. (my Tumblr is jxoxsxsxi)

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I have no medical background so sorry for any mistakes!  
> Please let me know if you notice any spelling or grammar mistake.


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